Here's to not getting caught up in the wind when it blows!

New Chapter

2010-10-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

So I have risen from the grave to write again. I am sitting in a coffee shop, wishing I could come up with some groundbreaking, existential topic that would be so fitting for such a venue. But, alas, my mind is barely functioning enough to remember my damn password to get into this blog. I am on the hunt for condos. There have been nothing but strike outs so far, but it is a miracle I can even search for something in the first place, so how could I not be patient? I can't wait to get my own place, though. I am a little worried though that my expectations will once again surely let me down. I sometimes can look at these type of situations in a "Holy" light, thinking that once this happens, life will start to make sense, the stars will align, and I will begin my journey towards perpetual bliss with my new found freedom. I know it will be awesome and I can't wait to experience it, but I also know in the back of my mind that my often depressive state of mind will not go away. In fact, it may stand to increase with the inevitable loneliness that awaits on the horizon. You might say I'm just being a winy bitch who is always looking for reasons to sulk and moan and eventually write another song about how everything is meaningless except for love, which there always seems to be a shortage of. But I'm simply pointing out my weaknesses. I don't know why I hold each new high as some kind of euphoria that will bring my universe into balance. It never does and although nice and sometimes momentarily fulfilling, I dread the inevitable pain of a monotonous life that never flows but drags like a master who drags his slaves by chain to the fields. I was talking to my friend, Jordan, last night and we were discussing the concept of being a slave to our own devices, under it's control, without power to suppress it. I was reluctant at first to agree with this perspective, but the more I think about it, the more I realize its true. Maybe because I've seen it play out in my own life time and time again. No matter how the circumstances change, even if for the better, my discontent is waiting just around the corner to capsize me and there is nothing I can do about it. Life is a double-edged sword. It is both bitter and sweet. It is a blessing and a curse. To me, if hell exists, the only thing separating it from this life is eternity. At least here, we know it will end and we can have hope that just maybe, there is something bigger waiting for us that will not flicker and die, but gives us joy that lasts and transcends our endless numbered days. I hope this finds you well. At least for a little while.

What is the goal?

2010-07-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

I'm sure we have all seen the bumper sticker "COEXIST". For some it has been a positive message of peace and harmony. For others, it has been one of controversy, stirring up feelings of superiority and defiance. I used to like the sticker, myself. I believed it's message of tolerance and unity was one worth striving for. But then I started thinking about it more deeply. I remember watching some Zombie movies and what I found attracted me to the genre was this glaring commentary on the world and how we as humans often simply exist next to one another on a surface level but are really crying out for something real, something we can feel,

to feel alive. This brought me back to this popular bumper sticker. What is the goal? What is the message? I know on a surface level I would aggree that it is probably not a good thing to kill someone else because of their beliefs. I also aggree that tolerance and open-mindedness are good and positive qualities. But is that the underlying goal? I had a discussion with a friend of mine the other night on this very topic. It was good because we both disaggreed, but it allowed easch of us to see points that we hadn't considered before. But I had to return to my main point. What is the goal? For me, it has to be love. Love is what changes and shapes our lives. It is what brings us freedom and belonging. Love is the cornerstone to all of the fore-mentioned qualities above and is also the essence of humanity. So consider love and co-existence. After much contemplation, I came across the idea that love requires co-existence, but co-existence does not require love. In other words, co-existence is a natural product of true love. When one loves, they desire to not only co-exist with others, but invest in their lives. However, like the example of zombies, One can co-exist with another without any thought of care or love for that other person. I realize that I may be over-analyzing this thing, but I think it is important to ask what is the real goal? Is it peace , Is it harmony? because these things are also products of love but are certainly not of co-existence. Zombies have no problem tolerating one another, co-existing with each other, but I think we would all aggree that this type of life is far from peaceful or harmonious. Perhaps why we like this message so much it due to it's laziness. It's easy. To simply co-exist takes no effort whatsoever. But to love, to care, well , that's a bitch sometimes. But though it isn't a victory march, it is a cold and a broken Hallelujah!! So my hope is that we stop focusing on the by-products and begin dwelling on the foundation again. Let's dwell on the message of love and allow co-existence and tolerance to flow out of it, naturally. Please, let me know your thoughts. I look forward to reading all prudent comments that Don't include a link to the world of Asian porn. Take care.

Update...

2010-05-20T22:01:00.000-07:00

So, I changed the settings on my blog to require word verification. I am hoping that this reduces the amount of Asian soft-core porn links that have been flooding my comment pages (How did they know I liked Asian porn?) Anyway, I finished my first solo recording project yesterday. It still needs to be mastered and mixed as well as Ally putting some back-up vocals on it, but the rest is done. They are all older songs, but it was fun to re-visit them and just get them recorded so they can haunt me forever. I can't wait to share them with everybody. Be warned the album is produced and may sound "Over-the top" in spots, so I want people to be completely honest with me when they hear it. If it sounds like shit, please tell me. It will help me in the future to know how to address that side of the creative process. Plus, I just value different opinions, so although, you may be my friends and therefore are completely biased, the more honest you are, the better. All that being said, I think I am happy with it. But I am pretty hard on myself too. The kids in my class at work are graduating on Monday. I'm quite excited. They have been such a joy to me this past year, and although I will see some of them next year, It will be hard to see some go. They are so awesome and I believe have changed my life more than I have changed theirs. Book club is going strong. We will be celebrating two years of dedicated "book-clubbing" this summer and it has been alot of fun. We have read some amazing books that have brought on some really inciteful discussions. The best part is I know we will have many more to come. Modern Warfare 2 is an insanely awesome game. I consider myself to be a lover of peace and in some ways border-line hippy status, but when I play that game, something changes within me. A deep- rooted carnal desire to kill anything that moves pulsates through my veins. The game has made me rethink who I am. I don't even know this person. WHO AM I???? Aww yes, just some of the interesting or not-so interesting things going on in my life right now. I often wonder what awaits me in the coming years. I get scared sometimes. The pressures of life continue to mount. Society is unrelenting and there are not many places I can go to find peace. The places I would like to call home have become the places I have come to fear the most (Dashboard reference intended). I guess I just hope I can be a blessing to most of those I meet and know. If life has taught me anything, it has been that we are nothing without love. I know I crave it more than anything. And I also know that if you love something, what better gift than to give it away. So whatever love I have, I hope I can share it with everyone around me. Note: There may be traces of cynicism found in your gifts of love. The author is truly sorry about this unfortunate connection between the two, but has been unable (or un-willing) thus far to eliminate such traces. Take care everyone:)

Life and Death Part 2

2010-03-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

So, My parents had to put our dog, Mandy, to sleep last night. I was recording and didn't find out till I got home and she was gone. Although, I wasn't as attached to her as I was our previous family dog, I loved her and she brought her own unique and special personality which truly did brighten up my life at certain times. Unfortunately, like most things in life, I don't think I really appreciated her enough till now, when she's gone. I will truly miss her. It got me thinking again about life and death. Perhaps we take life for grantid all too often, never fully realizing that it could be all over tomorrow. We get so lost in ourselves, our own ambitions, even our own pain to really see that our days are fading away. I don't want to live like that. If it's possible, I want to be different. It seems impossible though. Life is so full of pain and trouble and stress, it just gets tiresome. It seems like death is the only escape to finally feel peace. Steinbeck refers to it in East of Eden by saying that life is always the most stressful place to be, that's why they say Rest in Peace!! Is their a lasting peace to be found here on earth? Can one live a life of love completely void of selfish ambitions that frees them from the clutches of society's stress blanket? Perhaps these philisophocal questions cannot be answered. I don't know. But I do hope that life has meaning and purpose that can bring us relief from the pain, the stress. I don't want to live out of anticipation for death, but rather out of anticipation for life. Oh well. I don't think Mandy would care much about my musings. Rest in Peace, Mandy. You were a good dog and a loyal companion!!

Why I might be a post-modernist

2010-01-20T13:09:00.000-08:00

Forgive me friends, but I can't help but still ponder the question of truth and it's definition. What can we know? Is anything absolute or universal, or is it strictly relative to each individual's experiences? These, quite possibly, are questions that cannot be fully answered. However, for the sake of writing something just to keep this dying sport of blogging alive, I must share my opinions. For the longest time, I can remember believing in absolute truth. Something that is universal, in which, all the world can clearly see as such. Perhaps it has alot to do with my up-bringing, perhaps other factors or conditions were involved as well, but I stood strong in the fact that there was truth that was unshakable, unmovable, and undeniable. Now, I'm not so sure. My life has taken different turns and as I have grown up, I've noticed how much each experience along the way effects my life and how I view it. I've started to reflect on my pass and discovered why I believed some of the things I believed, and why I believe what I do now. Is it all subject to change? Of course, which kind of leads me to my theory. That is, it would seem to me that life brings with it conditions and experiences, which, in turn, shape our very existence and provide us with the things that we can know, or call truth.

I explained in a blog earlier as to why I see truth as relative to our experiences, so I won't go too deeply into that, however, I will simply reiterate that each experience that effects our lives points us in a direction and causes us to believe or see something about the world that we may or may not have seen before. Each of us, as individual's, have different experiences and conditions that are personal, effecting us differently than they might someone else. Even sometimes people who have the same conditions and experiences as one another can be effected in completely different ways. Both discover their own truths that they can relate back to those experiences and conditions. Therefore, I tend to be skeptical about whether we can know if a truth is absolute. Now, I am not arguing against the existence of absolute truth. It very well may exist and, in fact, I would hope it does, inorder that we would not be left to what would eventually lead to utter chaos and confusion. I am simply arguing that we cannot know! If one believes that something is an absolute or universal truth, they believe that because of some life- changing experience that effected them, personally. Could not somebody else have an experience that drastically effects their life and causes them to believe something different? Is either belief more universal than the other? Certainly not. It would seem arrogant for one to assume that their truth, which they came by through a personal experience, is somehow universal, and that someone else should accept their truth, even if their experiences led them somewhere else.

I guess my point is I don't think we can know. We can believe with all of our hearts, but we can't really ever know. Okay, my brain hurts. I hope this made some sense and even if you vehemently disaggree, and are starting to plan the intervention as we speak, I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. I guess the interesting thing about labels and views are that they can change at any moment. We are continuously evolving in our thinking and I suppose that one day, my skepticism could turn into utter assurance. You never know:)

Life and Death 101

2009-11-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

My grandfather passed away Thursday morning. My family knew it was coming. He had been really sick for the past couple weeks and towards the last stretch, had even given up eating, which if you could have ever met my grandfather, you would know that this alone meant he had given up his will to live. I feel sad from time to time thinking about him, but I'm glad he's not suffering anymore. And I think there is something easier in the mourning process when you expect it, almost want them to go, rather than the unexpected. The interesting thing is my friends, Jordan and Ally just had their baby boy, Soren, a couple of weeks ago. It truly is fascinating how with each life that ends, one begins. And it seems that the journey of one's life is always a means to an end, death. This is what we're led to believe anyway. In a sense, death is a part of the journey and should not be forgotten or dismissed. However, it seems all too often that the focus is put so soley on death, that we forget about living life. I know I've been a little cynical and frankly, angry at all things christian of late, so forgive me if I sound a little embittered. I used to hear, growing up, that those who didn't accept Christ into their lives, were going to hell. This was very puzzling to me, for many reasons, but what I often remember was the idea that people were lost, and life was a journey to find Christ before it was too late. People would be frantically praying, fasting, whatever they could for Joe Blow, who was on his death bed, so he could say those saving words of acceptance before his last breath. Or how someone would unexpectedly die early in their life and the first thing someone would ask was, "Was he or she a christian?" These things mostly just piss me off now, but for along time, I was held captive by these thoughts. This incredible fear that damnation was hinged on your faith, belief, or religion. Life really was a race against father time to accept Christ as the only truth, so as to escape the horrific fate of an eternity in hell. So I said those words of acceptance when I was 7, out of fear, after seeing a movie, where the message was exactly that. Unfortunately, I still see it today. I think that life is steering us towards death. The lessons learned, the joys, the sorrows, they're all there to ultimately get us to a place where we can face death without fear. But what we know is life and that is where the focus should be, the here and now. I can't just hammer religion because I think Society is the same way. In fact, religions' focus on the afterlife is a good metaphor for how Society looks at life. It seems no matter where I turn, people always want to know where your going, what's down the road, are you prepared for the future, what are your plans? No one seems to care about where or who you are right now. So I guess it's not a problem of religion, but rather of fear. People are bound to it and it controls every decision, belief, or reaction. I don't claim to have any answers, in fact, I find that I am crippled by fear too. I just wish it were different. I wish people could embrace life and live it fully, knowing that each step we take doesn't push us towards death, but instead leads us there. We are all the same. None of us know what lies beyond the grave and while we are alive, none of us ever will. Our focus should be on encouraging and loving one another where we are at, today. Not worried about it because you may not have a tomorrow. But helping and lifting one another up so if we happen to not see tomorrow, we left life feeling good about it. Just some meanderings from life and death 101. Don't worry, I'm not the teacher. I'm just a simple student like everybody else, still waiting for the teacher to arrive. I hope he shows up soon.

I feel pushed into this one...

2009-10-25T19:39:00.000-07:00

Usually, this is where I makeup some pathetic excuse as to why I haven't blogged in so long. But not today. In fact, If the good Lord hadn't beckoned for another rambling, you all would still be waiting. What can I say, I feel uninspired. Nothing has really grabbed me, screaming, "wake up" like I would love it to. I just finished "The Wire", an HBO series on life in the streets of Baltimore. It was amazing. Hands down, the best television series I have ever seen. Every episode was like watching a movie, a good movie. I highly recommend it. It literally took up the better half of my life for the past couple months. I love being apart of a book club (Check out our blog page link, MBC). It has been alot of fun reading different stuff and talking about it. Honestly, it keeps me sane. Lonliness is an unrelenting bitch that shackles you to her cold bed posts while she has her way with you, and you scream for her to stop, for some relief, but it is usually hard to find. I did also see Wicked, finally. IT was awesome. The story is good, the music is great. If you haven't seen it, even if you don't like musicals, I recommend it. Good stuff!!! I don't know what to do with myself. I find myself constantly wrestling with my own thoughts, my opinons, my beliefs, my disbeliefs. Sometimes, I even lose sleep over it. I'm glad I can talk to my friends about things and it truly does help to hear their support and their thoughts. I guess I would just like a break every once in a while. I try to be a person that cares about others but it's hard when you feel like such a collosal fuck-up. I hope that I am more of a blessing than a burden to those I run across. And if I fail you, I truly am sorry. I remember thinking when I was a child that life would get easier when I got older. But the truth is, it is just life. It doesn't get easier or harder, it just is. It's a series of experiences and choices and you learn as you go and realize that it has always been difficult and yet here you are, somehow, miraculously. At least, that's how I see it. Maybe that's why I like the movie "Curious case of Benjamin Button" so much. Time is neutral. IT doesn't shift favor when it starts or passes by. Whether old to young or young to old, it is the experiences and choices that meet us along the way that shape us and effect us more deeply than anything else. IT is also interesting how I am writing a hell of alot more than I had expected to when I started. Kinda funny. Do me a favor. Go outside and smell the air. I love the smell of Fall. So crisp and clean. Reminds me of childhood. Also, visit a authentic Irish Pub and get yourself a pint of true, slow-poured Guinness out of the tap. It just might bring your life a little extra joy. I think that's good for now.

A discussion on Truth and Relativism

2009-08-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

I have long thought about the idea of truth and whether it can be absolute or relative or a mixture of both. Like most debates concerning controversial issues, I think people usually attack the argument in abstracts and impersonal methods. A scientific approach, if you will. To me, this does not get to the heart of our lifelong pursuit to find meaning and truth in life. A short example would be the argument that there are no absolute truths. Of course, this logic contradicts itself because one would have to recognize that this argument is, in fact, an absolute truth. So there is one absolute truth. And then if there is one, simply made so one could squirm their way around their faulty logic, then why couldn't there be more? I remember taking philosophy class at the JC and this argument came up. I bit, along with many others, but the more I walk through life as uncertain as I am about alot of the things, the more I believe that truth is relative. Our lives are built on experiences. From the time of conception, every moment that we are alive is shaped by our surroundings. The people that raise us or take care of us, pass down their ideals, lessons, traditions, ect.. Society plays a role in our activities and what is deemed suitable or appropriate for human beings. This, of course, is subject to where you live and what kind of culture is in place where you are being brought up in. The one thing that, I believe, unifies us as a common interest for the human race is love. We all crave it. We search it out, hungering for meaning and desiring to be loved and accepted for who we are. We may experience certain forms of it in our lives along the way, but most often, at it's root, it is superficial and conditional at best. Still, we continue to search, colliding with many experiences along the way, some negative and some positive, but all shaping the way we see the world. So what changes us? What causes us to do a 180, if you will? To walk a certain road that is different to anything we might have experienced before? Some may not believe in the supernatural, but to me, to believe in love is to believe in the supernatural. And this is the experience that can cause this change. Something that is not, necessarily, scientific, and yet very tangible. Something that a person can point to that is clearly personal and has led them to a new, perhaps more clear path in life. I believe that unconditional love is one of these supernatural experiences. We all may feel at some point that we've been loved. But, I think we can discern the difference when we experience for the first time a "no strings attached" kind of love. The kind that no matter what you do to try and screw it up, it remains nonetheless. There is a supernatural power there beyond mere human comprehension.
So, my established idea is that it takes a supernatural experience to change someone's life. In other words, it is through this experience that one finds what they know to be true. So now the question is what is the source of this supernatural love? After all, it seems that most often, it is through people that we experience this type of love. But does it come from only one source or multiple ones? Many believe, including myself, that God is this source. However, religiously speaking, is it possible that one could experience this truth without religion? Or in different religions? I'm not sure and really this has all just been fun speculating about. I guess in the long run, the only truth we really know is what we have experienced. Or, at least, so goes the philosophy of the great Brentithicus. Haven't you heard of him? He is well renowned. I believe of Norwegian decent. He tried to get accepted to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but he failed his spells and potions entrance exam and decided to pursue philosophy and music instead. Anyway, I hope to recieve some pithy comments from other budding philosophers. TTFN:)

The Taoist way or "The Way's way"

2009-07-29T11:54:00.000-07:00

In some instances, I believe we could learn alot of the Eastern philosophies on how to live. Especially since the West has never been too keen on Humility, which is a trait we could all do good to follow. I borrowed the Tao te ching by Lao Tzu from my friend, Jordan, and I have to say, I have been enjoying it alot. Sometimes it seems too mystical to become practical, but then again, maybe that's my western influence seeping in again. It takes the art of simplicity to a new level. I think I am so intrigued by it because it's so easy to default into a controlling mode. We are so bombarded by the idea that we must take control of our lives and manipulate situations and each other to get what we want, that we don't realize we are causing more chaos then peace. Much of what I read, I loved, but one in particular stood out. Chapter 11 of the Tao struck me as very important and powerful. It says this:

We join spokes together in a wheel,

but it is the center hole that makes the wagon move.

We shape clay into a pot,

but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want.

We hammer wood for a house,

but it is the inner space that makes it livable.

We work with being,

but the non-being is what we use.

This, I thought, was very inciteful. The essence of life is not what we see and use with our hands before us, but rather what we don't see that has the potential to unify us. Love, faith, selflessness, these things are pure in and of themselves. When we choose to occupy our hearts with such things, we find a sense of peace and harmony with the world. I think what I found most comforting about the Tao was it's desire to point out the importance of "non-action". In other words, allowing things to be as they are and choosing to work with nature rather than against it. This doesn't mean laziness. It merely means trusting that in all decisions you make, everything will fall into place, even if it wasn't your original plan. My one concern with the Tao is it's desire to be universal over individualistic. Not to say that it is completely impersonal, just that it focuses on the masses. When you follow the Tao, your life will effect the masses, which will in turn, effect you. So, the masses come first. Personally, I desire something more personal, something that is true because I have experienced it, not something that is hinged upon a universal idea. Unfortunately, as I am saying this, I forget what passage gave me this impression, and please if you've read the Tao and disaggree, let me know. Anyway, I still found it enlightening and comforting. I hope that I can practice many of it's truths in living. Selflessness, contentment, humility, and others are qualities that I know could make living this crazy life a little better.

UP, UP, and AWAY!!!!!!!!!

2009-07-13T17:23:00.000-07:00

So, I just went to see the movie, UP, and I thought I would blog on it. Besides, it'll be a nice break from the usual, depressing entries. Although, in my opinion, it would be impossible to point out a flop by the people of Pixar, if someone ever does doubt them, they continue to serve them a large helping of crow. Once again, I left saying to myself, "That was brilliant"!! I have to admit that after "Wall-E", I wasn't sure if they could match it. To me, "Wall-E" was the pinnacle of the Pixar mountain and I would gladly continue to tip my hat to them as they entered their descent down the mountain in the years to follow, always remembering the golden years of animation. But, Behold, the ascension continues.

Up is truly a masterpiece. From beginning to end, you are sucked in to the characters, pulled by every emotion that pulls them. To me, it wasn't just a beautifully made animation film that wil entertain you. It was a story of the human condition. A story that showed in the most basic, childlike way, that life is not about the things we do but the people we do them with. How often do we race around trying to capture experiences and chasing material dreams that dissapear so fast. When we slow down enough to recognize that the dreams and experiences we should be capturing are the people we share them with, life becomes meaningful. I don't know how they do it, but they continue to raise the bar in filmmaking, not just animated kids movies, but filmmaking. What is it about these films? What is it about toys that come to life to show us no matter how different we are, we are unified in love when we work together. Or fish that teach us about love, courage, friendship and will. Or cars that help us to see the stupidity of arrogance and to find the value in helping one another, Or robots, literally machines that we have made, to wake us up and show us that love is the most important thing we have and goes deeper than any scientific neurons that help our brains or bodies to function. Or an old man, his wife, a dog, and a young boy to teach us that every moment we have to share with each other is an adventure, no matter how boring it may seem. These lessons have been recycled time and time again. Sometimes taught well, sometimes not so much. But when they are taught well, they are timeless. If only for the simple fact that we never hold onto anything and forget so easily who we are and what we're here for. Thanks Pixar, once again, for the well needed reminder. Jorb well done!!!!

If you find my brain, please let me know!!!

2009-07-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

It happens all too often that I feel like an idiot. It just magnifies every now and then. Like now for instance. I just turned in my deposit to Sonoma State for the fall. Apparently, I must have read over the part that said it was due March 30th! (insert any frustrated expletive of your choice). I couldn't believe I was that dumb. Luckily they were really nice and they took the deposit, but now I'm on a waiting list and I don't know if I'm going to get in. Thanks alot, Self!! As if I needed another excuse to feel like shit. Stubborness and Procrastination have always been my constant companions, but why can't I learn every now and then. For once, I would love to make a mistake and never repeat it again. But I guess that is not being realistic. Speaking of being realistic, I did humor myself though by thinking if I only went to Hogwarts, I could have used a Time Turner:) Anyway, I've been thinking about God alot lately. That sounds weird, but oh well. This past year has been kinda rough in terms of faith. In fact, I 'v had to face the realization that there is none. I suppose it is due to alot of factors. Partly anger at everything religious, and partly insecurity. I really struggle with trusting anything will work out. I try to stay positive and optimistic, but when things go bad, I don't really have much optimism. The crazy thing is I have alot of friends who live it. I don't mean like an abstract idea, but actually base their life around their faith. I think I'm stuck more towards the abstract idea. But I think it's beautiful to see it in my friends' lives. I guess that does give me hope that God can rise above my hatred or lack of trust and insecurity. Because the truth is, I am, literally, a worthless waste of space without some purpose that doesn't completely depend on everything I do. Just thought I would vent some thoughts for awhile. One of these days, I will surprise you with a really happy post, maybe a picture of a kitten or a cute little baby, but not today.

Here I go again...on my own

2009-06-01T17:38:00.000-07:00

Awww yes. You know you have made a raging comeback into the blogging arena when the only title that seems to fit is a White Snake song!!! I should just stop there. But I won't. So yes, it has been a herendously long time since my last post. I apologize. I must have slunk away into the shadows to be alone with myself which, oddly enough, is where I feel most comfortable. And the most depressed. But I decided to surface once again and write even though I don't feel like it. No check that, I didn't decide at all. The Son of God, himself, called me out to write again. If you don't believe me, check my comments. Short and sweet and yet authoritative. What was I gonna do? I couldn't deny the Savior!! But I have a feeling with such high expectations thrown on top of me, I will yet again retreat into the silences never to be heard from again. Until, that is, someone offers me their liqour. I can never turn down good booze. Especially when someone else has payed for it. Anyway, life continues on, always at the same pace, always leaving me behind to figure things out and try to catch up, only to be left behind again. It's a bitch, what can I say!! But I never want to give up hope. After all, it is just that that has carried me thus far. I just hope that people won't be completely scared off by my "less than enthusiastic" outlook. But hey, If Jesus is still interested, I can't be that insane, right? It's funny, I heard a comedian say that when your single, all you see is couples. It's so true. They're everywhere, mocking me with their cute glances they steal of one another, their little inside conversations they have that only lead to making out right in front of you. Those are so fucking annoying. And the most annoying part is how you can't stand it, but all the while you wish it were you. But that's life. With it's many stages, your bound to not keep up with all of them... or none of them. It's odd though. As frustrating and annoying it is being around couples, it always makes me reflective. For whatever reason, it always puts a song and an abstract, nostalgic thought in my head. And although temporary, I feel a strange beauty, a calming come over me. Craig Finn, of the Hold Steady, has this lyric that says, "I see Jesus in the clumsiness of young and awkward lovers". I think he's right. There is an innocence, a purity that seems to shine through in couples, especially the odd ones who no one seems to get, but it doesn't matter because they get each other. I think I'm done. I just woke up from a nap and coherent thoughts are hard to come by. Later. And by later, I hope I mean sooner than 3 months from now. But we'll see how that goes.

...And the beat goes on

2009-02-10T17:10:00.000-08:00

First, let me start by saying that yes it has been a long time since I last posted. It usually does. But this time, I have actually tried to post two extremely provocative and insightful blogs. Unfortunately, both times my computer froze and I lost the info before posting. So, i lost all motivation to sit down and write anything. But here I am, at the JC, in the library, with nothing to do for an hour. Might as well give it a try again. I had lunch with my friend Jordan yesterday. As we left, Jordan mentioned how important it is to have each other because when we're left to ourselves, nothing good ever comes of it. I can't stress enough how true that is. Our minds are bittersweet contraptions. So brilliant and creative and wonderful and yet so cruel and wicked and shameful. I thought about how we can never really comfort ourselves. I like to be alone sometimes, everybody does. But we were not meant to exist isolated from others. Everytime I tell myself everything is going to be alright, it never works. I just feel more isolated and foolish. But when I have others who are often just there to encourage me, I feel rejuvenated and strengthened. And it's contagious. You want to share it with other people. I, now more than ever, desire to truly, deeply care for not only my friends but the people I meet. I want this because I know how lonely life can be and how shitty you can feel when you feel alone. Honestly, I wouln't wish these feelings on anyone, but I know we all have them. And there it is. I'm done. For now. I hope this works. Take care and remember that love is greater, never ceasing, always hoping, always just beneath the dawn!!

It's that Time!!

2008-11-26T22:04:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but it seems that every time I post, it is right around a holiday. Maybe because I have more time. I don't know. Life keeps moving. Sometimes I wish it would stop for a while, but it never obeys my orders. I've been going through a real downer period for a while. I think I'm on the other side, but I never can be too sure. Whenever I make it through, something always seems to happen that switches me back into "depression" mode. I thank God for my friends. Without them, I don't think life would be worth living. I am part of a book club with some of my friends that has been awesome. I'm really fascinated by philisophocal literature and the books have been great, but I really think it is the friendships that makes it that much more enjoyable. I'm starting to get back doing music. Ally and I have been playing together more and we even did a completely original cover of the hymn, "For the Beauty of the Earth". Honestly, it was the first time I think I was excited about singing a praise song in a long time. I guess it is easy to feel sorry for yourself when things look shitty and forget to be truly thankful for all that you have. Whether I want to admit it or not, I am blessed in many ways. Just to have friends who truly care about you is worth more than anything else in the world. I know I am a cynical person, and let's face it, it is hard to find anything positive when you see the world through blood-shot eyes. But I'm thankful that love continues to be there and that once in a while, I can actually see clearly.
I'm also starting to see God differently. Although I don't completely understand and probably never will, I think I am realizing that my faith is just that. Mine and no one elses. My belief does not have to hinge upon others and their self-righteousness. For so long, I have battled with believing anything, partly because there is so much of Christian culture that I hate. My faith in God still hangs there, but I distance myself as much as possible because I want so badly not to associate myself with "Christians" at all. But the reality is that I do believe. Even if it wavers all too often, at the end of the day, I am left with only one hope, God is real and He does love me. And I shouldn't have to abandon those beliefs just because I disaggree harshly with 95 percent of people who call themselves "Christians". I think it is the labels. We in society have established what it is to be a christian. I, other than the belief that Jesus is God and died for my sins, have nothing in common with these people. So, naturally, I am not a christian. But perhaps, society has it wrong. Perhaps the labels and the generalization only breeds stereotypes that are stupid and irrelevant. Perhaps who Jesus is and was has nothing to do with the arrogance and self-righteousness we see in christian culture today. I am a christian, not because I bye into the pious bullshit of american christian culture, but because I choose to follow Jesus and look to his example for guidance. Wow, I didn't know it when I sat down to write, but apparently I feel like venting. Anyway, I'd love to hear some thoughts from anyone out there. Even if you think I'm way out of line, I appreciate hearing viewpoints. Have a happy Thanksgiving!!!

Halloween: Are we really that far off?

2008-10-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have a confession to make. I have guilty pleasures like everybody out there and one of them is slasher flicks. The old-school kind with the terrible acting and the screams that last a good 3 seconds before the killer actually attacks the victim. Oh yeah, and the victim or "victims" are usually engaged in a sexual act too right before being their demise. It's cinematic genius!!! I was thinking about it the other day and wondering if there was something else that drew me to these "less than stellar" films. Was I perhaps sadistic? Or just attracted to the excitement of a chase inner-twined with a barage of ridiculous circumstances. Perhaps a little of both, but let me entertain the idea that there is something slightly more important going on. Something deeper that draws me to the idea of a psycopathic killer without feeling or remorse. I'm okay with the fact that many might consider me to be deranged and that is fine. But I believe there is something more, something deeper. "Halloween " is the story of Michael Myers, a boy at age 6, who witnessed his sister, Judith, fooling around with some guy at their house on Halloween. He finds her in her room after the guy has left, grabs a mask, then kills her with a butcher knife. He runs outside to find his parents waiting there for him. They are confused and they pull of his mask and the viewer is left to watch the empty face of a little boy who has just killed his sister and has no apparent emotion. That's how it begins. 15 years later Michael escapes from a psychiatric ward and returns to Haddonfield, Ill to reak havoc upon his home town. Now, I won't argue that the basic premise of the movie is this unstoppable freak-killer who is terrorizing young teens. But the scenes that I find to be the most interesting and disturbing are the ones where Michael's doctor is trying to warn the town about what they are facing. In one scene, Dr. Loomis explains to the sheriff that when he met Michael, he was horrified that a six-year old boy could have no color or expression in his eyes. He spent the next 15 years, watching Michael grow older, but seeing no signs of feeling or emotion in him, only pure evil. He then refers to him as "Not Human". This intrigued me. How far off is this from reality? I'm sure if we questioned some of Charles Manson's doctor's, they might issue a similar statement. Is is possible to be completely void of emotion or feeling? To reach the point of no return where the evil that exists in all of us actually consumes us and makes us "in-humane". There have been countless mass-murderers in our history. While I personally don't believe we can say they reached this place of complete emptiness, is it possible that some did? And let's set aside killers for a moment. What about us? Sufjan Stevens sings a song about serial killer John Wayne Gacy Jr., relating himself to Gacy. "On my best behavior, I am really just like him." "Look beneath the floor boards, find the secrets I have hid. We all have wicked minds that cause us to think some very despicable stuff. How far off are we just because we haven't acted upon some of those thoughts.... yet? I guess my point is we always say whenever something terrible happens, that we could never do that or that it wouldn't be possible for us to commit such an atrocious act. The truth is that we are capable of anything humanly possible, whether good or evil. We should never kid ourselves into thinking we our above anything. All this being said, I am probably trying way too hard to dig some amazing philisophical truth out of a cheap, horror flick. But after seeing the original Halloween about 6 times, I have to believe that there might be something more that draws me to it, other than its cheesyness. I wish I had more readers because I'm interested to see how crazy people think I am. But to the select, chosen few who get the amazing priviledge of reading my posts, I'm looking forward to hearing your pearls of wisdom. On a wimsical note, I plan on seeing the Rob Zombie remake of Halloween soon. I've read mixed things about it. I'm sure it is not as good as the original, but since I enjoyed the original, I want to see the remake. Beware of the Boogie-Man!! Happy Halloween!!!

O Holy Hollywood, Send us Thy guidance!!

2008-10-02T16:42:00.000-07:00

Don't you just love it when the rich and famous try to tell us what to believe, how to think, how to live? I sure do. It gives me a sense of purpose. A sense of belonging. I feel safe, knowing that, for example, one of the Fantastic Four is guiding me to make the right decisions. My friend, John, sent this to me. From one cynic to another, it is always enjoyable to see these types of ads. I really don't want to destroy this ad, piece by piece, mostly because I'm in a fairly good mood right now and if I were to take on such a task, I might go FUCKING INSANE!! But I will say this. Voting is a choice, a right. One can choose to use that right or not to. And if one does not aggree with the way the government makes decisions, I would hope that person wouldn't sacrifice their integrity and vote because society tells them too or because the hott chick from "Good Luck Chuck" told them too. Whether this ad causes a stir in your heart or a stir in your bowels, everyone should appreciate that voting is a choice we can all make for ourselves. Maybe the world could use a little more silence. With so much yakking about nothing, we forget to live and love. Thanks Hollywood, but no thanks!! Hope is not found in government or people. It can only be found when grace allows us to love each other unconditionally. At least that's the way I see it. Thoughts anyone???

A shot of laughter to numb the pain...

2008-08-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

I have been sick the past couple days. So much so, in fact, that I literally felt like I would have sold my soul to the Devil to release me from the agony. It was some kind of stomach virus that left me suffering without nourishment for three days. One morning, at 3 am, I sat in the bathroom crying and cursing because I felt so helpless. Luckily, I'm on the other side of it now. I do feel quite weak, but better anyway. My constant companion for that time was the television, in which, I spent countless hours watching Comedy Central and Anthony Bourdain. It seemed like the few moments of laughter helped to calm the pain. I can't even write today I'm so weak. Sorry if this doesn't make any sense. It's hard to formulate your thoughts when you still feel like shit. Anyway, I've been watching Arrested Development recently. It is hilarious. It is great to see a television show that is funny aside from the Office or Seinfeld. I must say that 30 Rock is pretty good too. So, I just want to plug those two sitcoms if your in the mood for some funny!! I will be recording this Tuesday. So, I'm excited about that. Aside from that, I'm just trying not to worry about the future and live each day at a time. Easier said than done. But it is because of the love we have for one another, we carry on. So, I'll try and do the same. Love and Peace to all. Oh yeah and remember that a shot of laughter does do wonders for the pain. Of course, whiskey works well too!!

"Politics R US"

2008-07-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

I have been fascinated lately at how much politics influences our lives. It seems like no matter where it is or how it is run, if it has people, you can bet politics is there. I have spent much of my life heavily involved with politics from a government level. Now, all those years have basically sucked me dry of hope or meaning in any system with people. So, I try my best to be completely seperate and A-political as I can. The problem is that I am a passionate person. With my music, literature, movies, art, people, I care alot about these things and have strong emotions related to them. And as much as I wish it didn't, politics effects all these things in one way or another. So, I find myself saying "I don't care" one minute and the next, getting very passionate about something. I was talking to a friend recently about politics and I was telling him about certain issues that people get fired up about. Immigration or Same -sex marriages for instance. I tend to have a liberal point of view on both issues, yet I'm not an activist or protester by any stretch. That is until I talk to or hear someone who has the opposite point of view using racist jargon or absurd statements. An example would be when Jerry Fallwell called homosexuality an "abomination" or that 9/11/01 happened because of homosexuals and feminists. I've spoken with someone recently about immigration that liked to use racial slurs when referring to illegal immigrants. When I hear stuff like that, I have to admit, passion starts to build up and I become a little spurred on to "save the world from these ridiculous notions". Then I remember it's a fallen world and really there is nothing I could do to save it. In fact, I should be trying to save it from me and my depravity. I think it is good to take a stand on something and to have passion behind it. That makes it real. I just think we waste alot of time and energy trying to fix things that can't be fixed. Racism will always be there. Injustice will always be here. Corruption will always be here. It doesn't make it right, but it does allow us to be free in not worrying about if we are doing enough to make the world a better place. I don't know, I am a bit cynical when it comes to these things so if you disaggree, don't worry, I won't "cut your nuts off" as some in the political eye have so eloquently put. I really just wanted to point out how politics is tied with emotions and no matter how hard we try to seperate ourselves from the lies, the corruption, the issues that we know are only issues if the lobbyist says there so, at some point those feelings down inside are going to boil up and we may find ourselves speaking passionately about a political issue we have been trying to avoid. Of course, a really good way to try and avoid alot of issues is to remain ignorant about them. For example, with the war, I don't like it mainly because I don't like war. I know there are political agendas behind it with oil, which doesn't help it's cause for me any. But beyond that, I really don't know that much about it. The facts and what not. So, there really isn't much to say when you don't spend much time researching about something. Ignorance is bliss, baby!!! Anyway, just some more ramblings from a poor musician who doesn't know what to do with himself half the time. I guess if we really want to make a difference, we should be showing one another that we care about them, not the baggage that comes along with them. T.T.F.N.!!!

A musical world

2008-06-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I just had a birthday. I'm 25 now. Scary. Oh well, I guess age always has a way of slapping you in the face. Just when you think you have her beat, she creeps up on you the next year and SMACK, you don't know what hit ya. I had a good birthday and it was fun to spend time with some friends and family. But what I'm really here to ramble on about is musicals. I used to hate them. Naturally, before I ever gave them a chance, I made up my mind that I couldn't stand them. Slowly but surely, I have been listening to more and more somgs done in musicals and begun to appreciate them more and more. Then I saw Sweeney Todd. Now, it is the movie version and I have to say I haven't seen anything on stage except for Phantom of the Opera when I was three. I fell asleep. But Sweeney Todd was brilliant. It grapped me. The dark and sinister look of Tim Burton fit the story perfectly. And the music is amazing. I couldn't stop listening to it. Jordan and Ally got it for me for my birthday and I got to watch it again. I fell in love with it again. I really can't say why, but I just have a bigger desire to see musicals now and to experience the genius of the Sondheim's and Menken's. Ally also gave me the song Defying Gravity from Wicked on a mix. I had heard it before, but this time, I honestly got into it. It was kind of funny. I was driving with it blasting in my stereo and I came up to a stoplight and this guy next to me had this disturbed look on his face. I was tempted to turn it down, but then I thought, "What the hell", and I started singing loudly with it. It was pretty hilarious. Anyway, just wanted to share with you all about my ever-changing likes and dis-likes. I hope I can catch some musicals soon on stage. Alright, I'm done for now.

Star-gazing 101

2008-06-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

So, I'm going on vacation to somewhere in Oregon for a week. It should be a relaxing time and will be somewhere in the wilderness which means, "Star gazing"!! Woohoo!! I will definitely be bringing my ipod and plan to do some quality daydreaming... at night. It got me to thinking about my statement before on music and star gazing. Obviously, this is going to depend on your personal preference, but there is a certain quality to some music which, I believe, makes it perfect for star gazing. One, it has to be peaceful or folky. I'm sorry, but you just can't fully enjoy the serenity and beauty of the night sky when your listening to Tool or Project 86. Two, the lyrics should cause you to reflect. On your life, your wishes, desires, hopes, fears, anything that causes your mind to swim. Beyond that, as long as you can stay awake, it makes for a very rewarding and refreshing time. If you haven't ever tried it, I highly recommend it. As I was thinking about it, I wanted to prepare myself by thinking of some music that fits the "star gazing" mood. With much deliberation and thought, I assembled a top ten list of what I would consider the best star-gazing music. Now, grantid, it is made up of music that I am familiar with and I'm sure there is some other great stuff out there. That's why I wanted to blog it. I want to share with you my list and if you have any other's to add, please let me know. Now there are some great single songs that work, but my list is the best albums for star gazing. I tried to select 10 albums where each song could work when star gazing. So enjoy and please feel free to add any that you know of. Well, if I don't see ya before Sunday, love and peace to all my brothers and sisters and remember to take some time this summer to go outside and enjoy the wondrous lights in the sky. No matter how far we are from each other, we can always see the same stars.

1. August and everything After - Counting Crows

2. Safe Away - Denison Witmer

3. "Once" Soundtrack - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

4. O or 9 ( Does it really matter, they're both genius) - Damien Rice

5. Recovering the Satellites - Counting Crows

6. Are you a Dreamer - Denison Witmer

7. So Far from Home - Brave Saint Saturn

8. It's hard to find a Friend - Pedro the Lion

9. We were here - Joshua Radin

10. The Places that you've come to fear the most - Dashboard Confessional

Close runner-ups were:

Our Endless Numbered days - Iron and Wine

Goodnight - William Fitzsimmons

These Friends of Mine - Rosie Thomas

Veneer - Jose Gonzalez

Open Mic Night

2008-05-20T11:15:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,
School is almost over for the summer. YAHOOO!! I thought I would play some songs at the open mic night this thursday at the Roxy Cafe next to the movie theatre. It starts at 6:30 pm and I'm not sure when I'll be playing, but if you got nothing to do and you feel like going to hear some music, come on down. Just wanted to put the word out. Much love to all.

-Brent

Shades of Lavender

2008-05-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

So here is a poem I wrote a while back. It was intended to be a song and in fact was made into one. I even recorded it when I did my demo, but I hated it. It's like 7 minutes long and doesn't really work, musically. It's tough sometimes being a musician and having to settle on the fact that maybe not everything you write can turn into a song. But when you're as picky as I am, you have no choice. I thought I would post it for the enjoyment and criticism of those well-intentioned bloggers out there. Hope you like it. Oh and keep your eyes peeled for a group called "The Hired Assasins". They just came out with a song called 401K that sounds an awful lot like "Retirement Plan". If I had a lawyer, those bastards would sure be hearing from him right now. www.myspace.com/thehiredassassinsrock.

Shades of Lavender
The Motivation wears so thin

It’s been so long since I felt the tension in my skin
No time for action in this strange attraction

to remain pacified.

So I lay here

watching the shapes on the ceiling
Colliding and competing for the right to keep my attention
Waiting for shades of lavender to grace my sky
Bringing something brilliant to my life.

Inspiration knocks on my door
He wants to talk but I feel too bored.
Besides, I’m much too busy to waste my time with someone new.
Faith and I, we used to hold hands, walking down that narrow path.
I must have missed something cause now she’s gone and I feel so lonely
Not to mention, the road is much wider than before.

Vicious spiral

come and claim your prisoner
He’s had enough and he’s ready to give in.
A beautiful arrangement of violins

plays the saddest song to accompany this tragic end
Can we afford to waste all this time without searching for something bigger than ourselves.

What we want!

2008-04-25T09:25:00.000-07:00

I'm struck by so many examples in my life that just seem to reaffirm that we as humans really strive for one thing, love. We look for it in so many different places, jobs, school, church, nature, ect. but are hardly satisfied. I started thinking about why this is. I think maybe one reason is all these places and things represent something different. What I mean is we have turned love into something different for each individual. How can it really, purely exist if this is the case. In my opinion, love has to be concrete and absolute. It is the most powerful thing we have. It cannot be allowed to be tossed around by the wind. Otherwise, we will be tossed around as well and we can't last that long. How can we love one another, much less find love if it is different everywhere we turn? Rich Mullins has a song called Maker of Noses where he says at one point, the world tells you to follow your nose, but everytime you turn your head the direction changes. I think this is the same problem with love, "man-altered". We can't be sure of anything when nothing is sure. I think love, real love can be found in Jesus' example in the Bible, and it is a good place to look to. But untill we can aggree what it really is, we will always fall short. Luckily for me, I have seen examples of Christ lived out before me and have felt a love that is freeing and consistent. So all I can do is cling to it as hard as I can and hope that I can resemble that example as well. Even then, I confess, I'm not completely satisfied. Counting Crows have a song called Goodnight L.A. where Adam is talking about being in a depressed state. The chorus says "And what brings me down is love, cause I can never get enough". That is beautiful. He nails it. I often feel like love is what makes us so down because it never stays full. But that is also what life is about. Tasting something so good that you strive and press on so you can experience it again. I thank God for the people in my life and the love I have experienced. It is real and I do feel blessed. I just hope that more and more people can see it for what it is and not for what we have made it. As Jon Foreman says, Love isn't made. It was here before any of us. How lucky we are to be able to experience it. It is, after all, what we all want in our lives. But we also want consistency and mercy, not judgement and abandonment masquerading as love. Life just isn't worth it without it. Peace and love everybody.

Nothing gets easier!!

2008-04-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

I think it is funny how life seems to always throw you down the difficult paths. I know I often wish things would just get easier and worries would leave me for good. But it never happens. I guess that is the curse of living in a fallen world. It is just so hard sometimes. It seems like your trying so hard to love those around you and be content with who you are and move forward in what you believe is right and the more you try and do that, the more shit falls in your way. It can get pretty madening at times. But at the same time, I must say I think the challenges we face can be good for us. After all, it keeps us alive and aware at all times of life and what it means to genuinly live it. I guess you just get tired and want a break sometimes, that's all. I'm rambling, I'm sorry. I am happy where God has me right now. Although, it sucks not yet meeting the girl I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. Aside from that, I do feel blessed and I think because I feel blessed, it makes it easier to wait. On a more fun, random note, John Knight and I went down to San Francisco yesterday to see Counting Crows at the Apple Store for free. Besides, not being able to see them while they were playing, it was good and we had fun. I did get to briefly, and I mean very briefly, meet Adam Duritz which was cool. He is after all a huge musical influence of mine. He was giving an autograph to a little kid and as I walked by, I patted him on the shoulder and said, "Your music inspires me". He said, "Thanks". Hopefully, it wasn't too creepy for him. I wish I could have talked to him more, but the situation wouldn't allow it. I think John shook his hand, too, but I could be wrong. Anyway, it was cool to see all of the guys just out mingling with everybody there. Adam talked alot too about the songs and he answered some questions as well. Sometimes, he talked too long, way too long. But I still think it was worth it. If anything, just for the personal factor that it had. You felt like he actually cared about his fans and their questions. So that was fun. And life rolls on. Thanks to anyone who is still reading this scattered piece of bloggery. Just know that life never gets easier, but as long as we try to really love one another, it can get better. Peace.

A little let down

2008-03-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

Okay. So I just got the new Counting Crows record and what little excitement I had for it in anticipation was kind of sunk after I listened to it. Now, I only have listened to it once and I do make quick judgements on things when I sometimes need to give them more time. So I will try to give it more of a fighting chance. But what I heard at first listen was disappointing. I would love to hear from John Knight on this one because I know he is a fan and I would like to know his opinion on the album. I think for me it is just when a band makes an incredible, life changing album, (That's right, I said Life changing), or in their case, two of them, you always keep hoping that they will bring it again and just keep getting better. Naturally, most artists who start with their best work have a difficult time repeating that genius. So I'm not surprised, just disappointed. But that being said, August and Everything After and Recovering the Sattelites were albums that forever changed the way I looked at music. The honesty and beauty of each song is like a fine wine that gets better with each sip. Because of that, they will always be one of my favorite bands. Just wanted to rant a little bit on the subject. Please comment if you feel like you can add anything to the subject. On a daydreamer's note, have you ever listened to music while looking up at the stars, either in the back of a car or lying down outside somewhere? If you haven't done it, you need to, at least once before you die. May I recommend August and Everything After. I think the album was meant for star gazing. At least daydreaming for sure! Bye for now.

Lost souls swimming in fish bowls!

2008-03-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

So I know I haven't posted in a awhile , but life has been really busy. To be honest, I haven't felt that compelled to write anything lately. I've written a few more songs and continue to enjoy the music aspect of my life. I just haven't been motivated enough to do any blogging. I guess the only reason I'm sitting at this computer right now is because I'm sick and I have nothing else better to do. School has been hectic, but good. I like being emersed into music even if it is not the side of music I enjoy the most. I'm working as a substitute teacher assistant for SCOE now and I thoroughly enjoy it. In fact, I think I would like to use music in some way to help kids with autism. We'll see. I guess one thing I can say is no matter how unsure your life is or how many times things change, it feels good to stand on something. These past few months have been hard. People always find a way to screw things up and create turmoil. I think for some, it is easy to be swayed and want to drift along wherever the current takes you. But when we can stand in what we know is right, nothing can truly shake us. I feel this way right now. My life is just as uncertain as it was a few years ago. I've watched new things come into my life and seen doors close as well. I still don't know anything. I've seen people hurt other people in the name of God and watched how it's ripple effect trickles down to the so called "Collateral damage". This can make people break. It can cause them to lose heart and faith in everything you thought you knew. But it can also strengthen them. It can cause us to live freely in what we know and not back down in the face of opposition. We can become content in who we are and feel safe to live our lives. In my art history class, we are studying the 4 humors or characteristics of human beings. I think I definitely line up with the meloncholic state. It seems like even when I feel good about things, I still find a way to be depressed. Perhaps that is not always a bad thing. After all, the world is a dark and depressing place. I guess the point is when you have people around you who love you and help you through the hardest of times, you learn to be okay with being down or up. Pink Floyd's song "Wish you were here" has the line in it, "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year." He's right. And guess what. We never get to leave the fish bowl. Until we die, all we experience is that fish bowl. The joy comes from others who can come along side you and love you for who you are. When they give you something like that to stand on, suddenly the fish bowl isn't really all that bad. In fact, once you've experienced truth like that, how could you want anything else. Peace and Love to all and Happy Easter!

They're Back!!!

2008-01-24T19:19:00.000-08:00

Well folks, the last time I posted, it was Christmas, so I hope you all had a great New Year and things are going well. There has been alot of things happening in and around my little existence, but I decided to post about something fun and meaningless. Well, not meaningless to me!! As many of you know, Counting Crows has probably been the biggest influence in my life, musically. Now, I know it sounds weird considering I didn't care for their last album all that much and I don't listen to them half as much as I do Damien Rice. But the fact remains that if it hadn't been for this band, my musical interests and influences would probably be much different than they are today. They changed my life. Call it corny or gay or cliche or all three if you want. It is what it is! Their first two albums made the biggest impact on me. I was blown away with August and Everything after and Recovering The Sattelites. It amazed me how different each album was and yet how creative and passionate they both were. I was hooked. Their next album, This Desert Life, was another step in the "original" direction. It was so different from anything they had done, but they made it work. Unfortunately, it wasn't as successful as their previous two. So, then came Hard Candy. I think this album was a forced attempt to try and pull in the masses again. Their are those who disaggree, but I believe they really wanted to just make more money again. Too many of the songs are trendy pop hooks with cheesy lyrics. It just didn't feel like the real Counting Crows. Now before I go bashing the record completely, I will say that I do like a number of songs on it. Black and Blue, Goodnight L.A., and Carriage are beautifully written tracks. I even like some of the poppy ones like Up all Night, and Butterfly in Reverse. But overall, it was a disapointment. So now we've been waiting... waiting to see if Adam is lost to the industry or if he will return to his original "bare your soul" self that was so powerful. Well, we won't have to wait much longer. The new album "Saturday nights and Sunday mornings" comes out 3/25/08. Their are two songs out to listen to on their myspace page, both of which I have only listened to once. But I am optimistic. One is a rock song that resembles the days of Recovering the Sattelites and the other

is more of a folk-rock tune similiar to August and Everything After. I can't say yet what I think, but it does seem promising. Of course, I will always give them an endless number of chances. I just hope it brings me back. Afterall, this band helped to shape me, musically, into what I am today. You can't just walk away from that. Anyway, I was really excited when I say it was finally coming out, I almost pissed my pants. Unfortunately, I'm not kidding. I got home from school and had to go really bad, but I decided to check the blogs first. When I say Adam's blog, I could hardly contain it. It was close, my friends. See ya around.

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!

2007-12-25T14:09:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, everybody. I hope that you've had a blessed holiday this season and have enjoyed your time spent with loved ones. I am still writhing from my dinner last night. My family went to the Seafood Brasserie next to the Hyatt for Christmas Eve dinner. I love seafood and usually have no problems with it, but I think it was just too rich for me this time. I had a cup of lobster bisque and then had seared scallops as my meal. Both were delicious but also heavy, especially the lobster bisque. It was one of those times where you feel like your going to puke at any moment, but nothing ever happens. I took some Tums and it helped but it still was quite uncomfortable. Later that night, my brother invited us to his church, Calvary Chapel, in Petaluma for their Christmas Eve service, which starts at 11pm and goes till midnight. It was a candlelight service and it was really beautiful. Usually, I'm pretty cynical about services in general, and it didn't help that I wasn't feeling too great either. But, oddly enough, this service actually made me feel better. It was centered around the music, which was exciting for me. They had it all lit up with candles surrounding a guitar player, three singers, bass player, and congos. It kind of reminded me of the set-up when Nirvana played unplugged in New York. All the singers had really good voices and the music was really stripped down and emotional. I think the pastor spoke for about 10 minutes and the rest was just music. At midnight, they had us all light our own candles and we sang Silent Night. It was a really neat service. Simple and yet powerful. Not somebody preaching at you for an hour about how Christmas isn't about Santa or presents and then asking for an altar call. Just singing and praising our Lord for giving us hope to actually celebrate life and anything we have. It really lifted me up and I think I needed it. Not only because I felt like crap, but also because for some reason, I've been feeling scared again. It's weird but sometimes I feel numb and dry to everything around me. I know some of you are thinking, "Wait, he just did a blog where he was all excited and optimistic about this past year and what God is doing in his life"? I am, don't get me wrong. It's just sometimes I get lost in myself and my struggles and I can't find my way back home. Anytime I notice that, I get scared and start to worry like maybe God has grown tired of me. Which by the way is a movie that was highly recommended to me that I just recieved from Netflix. But every time I feel this way, there is always something or someone to encourage me and help me pull through. I just started reading a book I got for Christmas called, "The Sacred Romance". It's all about the heart and how vital it is to our relationships with people and most importantly, God. So much of life is surface level and we have done everything we can to suppress those feelings of longing, of passion and desire for greater purpose and meaning. Art is something that expresses the heart and yet it is the first to be cut in our schools when they run into financial trouble. It has been so encouraging for me to read because that is exactly where I am at. I feel like we have nothing if we cannot embrace and express the deepest longings of our heart. People say I'm insane or just lazy, but to ignore the heart is suicide. I hope listening to me blabber on about my emotional roller-coaster of a life has encouraged or blessed you whenever you read this. I guess my point in all this is that Christmas has value only because Jesus gave his life for us, not out of duty or just to follow through with some empty, pre-destined plan, but because He was filled with a passion, a desire, a love that only comes from the heart, to save us from our ourselves. And it is these things: love, desire, passion, and a longing for these that we find within our hearts, that gives me hope and a reason to celebrate this Christmas season. Have a Happy Holidays.

A long December!!

2007-12-17T21:11:00.000-08:00

.... and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last. Okay, while I do believe in hope and optimism, I just wanted to quote Adam Duritz. In all honesty, this has been an awesome year. Alot has happened in my life, some may say that wasn't positive, but I disaggree. I'm back in school again and I feel like God is leading towards something special. I don't know what that is exactly, but I think that's what faith is all about. I went to alot of concerts this past year, more than usual. Two of which I would say have been the most memorable of my life so far. Damien Rice and The Swell Season were truly inspiring. I did alot of writing. I have quite a bit of songs that hopefully I can share with people when time allows. That part of my life has been huge because music is so important to me. I'm still learning alot about what it means to live as Christ lived. There is no doubt in my mind that love is the most important thing in this world, it's just figuring out how to do it consistently that's the tricky part. I feel blessed to know that people have alot of grace for me because I feel like I screw up all the time. School is almost over. In fact, one more day for this semester. It was a hard semester, but rewarding nonetheless. I feel good right now about where I'm at. I don't know how long it will last, (It never lasts long), but there is a small hint of peace that I feel. Maybe it's the junior mint I just ate. I hope not. I just wanted to check in before Christmas. Hopefully, I'll write again around Christmas, but I thought I would ramble a bit before I do some studying. My prayer is that love will conquer fear in all of our lives and that we will better understand what that looks like. One other note, I will hopefully be playing more open mics around soon. I'll try and post dates and places that I plan on playing. Any and all are welcome. See ya soon.

Happy thanksgiving!!!

2007-11-21T10:32:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe that November is almost over. Nothing lasts. Everything just flies by and if were lucky, we might be able to catch a glimpse of something special every once in a while. Whenever this holiday comes around, I think we often think about the feast that is at hand, and the gorged feeling we will be embracing soon. There is alot of good food, no doubt. But it is no secret that the holiday is really about being thankful for what we have and the life we have been given. It seems odd to me that we need one day a year to set aside for being thankful. The rest of the year, we hustle around trying to improve ourselves in the eyes of coporate America. I think sometimes it is also easy to lose sight of being thankful. We focus on the things we don't have or the ways our lives could be better rather than on what we do have. I think I relate to the latter. As an artist who takes comfort in his friends and his pen, I often still end up feeling very lonely and it is usually in these times where I can't see anything clearly and I feel like, "What's the point"? Yet, there are so many examples of beautiful moments in my life, how could I not be thankful? I was talking with Jordan the other day and one of the things that came up was learning through life. We both felt the same way in that whatever experience we had in our past, whether it be jobs, girls, friends, family, it all happened for a reason and helped to shape us into what we are today. There are alot of things I wish I could change about my life ,both in the past and present, but I guess the point is that God is in control and each failure or mistake or success that takes place in my life is only a learning experience to help me grow. So, if nothing else, I guess we should be thankful for that. That it isn't all chance and that we can see reason and purpose in even the most ugly of situations. So this year, I hope you all are doing well, but most importantly, I hope you all can be thankful for the gift of life and every experience that comes with it. Make it your passion to love those around you as they are and be thankful for where you are today. And when your heart is lonely, hold on tight to every inch of hope that you have that grace will come to set you free. After all, in the end, all we have is hope. And in the words of Daniel Johnston, "Don't give up until true love finds you in the end". Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!

What comes from the heart!!

2007-10-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I thought it was time to write again. It's cloudy outside and I just woke up on my day off, feelin a little groggy, but I'll survive. Sunday, I went to see Rocky Votolato in San Francisco with Jordan and Ally. It was the 4th time I had seen him and I think it was my favorite. The opening bands sucked and the crowd was surprisingly lame, but the three of us had alot of fun. The show was great too. Rocky played a great set and mixed up the songs well. The weird thing was nobody cared when Rocky left the stage. Everyone started walking to the exit. So I summoned my courage and yelled for one more song. I think it was just Jordan, Ally and I who were chanting for the encore. It was that bad! He did come back up, which was awesome. He said he was going to play one more song, so I yelled for Cell Mates/Mixtapes. He replied with, "Okay, I'll play two more songs". So he ended the night with my personal request. The band he played with was really tight, too. Everything sounded great. It was a good night. Lately, I can't seem to get my mind off of the importance of honesty and genuiness. Sometimes I like to observe the people I walk by at the JC and I can't help but wonder if they are playing games to try and fit into a unsatisfied culture or if they don't care what people might think and are content to embrace who they are. I guess I wonder alot because that person who plays games, that was me. And it took me a long time to figure out that it's okay to let go and be yourself. It's scary, sometimes really scary, but you feel so much relief when you know it's finally you. No more pretending. I also have been thinking about christianity and how it all fits. I'll use music because that is what I relate to the best. In christianity, you have a ton of songs, some pop, some worship. You have a huge selection of songs that might be able to encourage you in your faith. Why is it that so few measure up? For me, I hear a worship song nowadays and even if the words are glorifying God and are full of praise, I wonder if it was meant to be genuine. Did it come from the heart? Was it passion and emotion that gave birth to the song or was it commercialism? I used to believe that worship songs were cheesy and lame and, in fact, alot of them are. But so are many other types of songs that we listen to in today's music scene. The point is that no matter what a song is about, if it comes from the heart, if it is real and filled with emotion and passion, then it speaks. Allison has been writing alot of songs lately, most of which are "praise songs". When I listen to her play them and sing them, It feels different than any other praise song. I find hope and joy and encouragement behind the lyrics because they are being poured out of her heart. I feel like she is really singing to the Lord. Like it means something. To me, that is far more beautiful and meaningful than to get up on Sunday and sing a bunch of worship songs because that's what we do. Some may disaggree, please feel free to comment with your thoughts. As an artist myself, I have written a decent amount of songs over the past year. I don't think any of them could be called praise songs, however that might be debatable on a couple. I'm fine with that for now. I don't think it has really been on my heart to do so. But after listening to Ally play her songs, it gives me hope that one day, I will be able to write a praise song and have it come from my heart. After all, if we don't live life from the heart, then I don't believe were really living at all. Bye for now!!!

The World spins madly on

2007-10-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been thinking about life. But to be more specific, the slow, dragging meaninglessness of it. I know, some of you might be thinking, "There he goes again, with his neverending pessimism." "Will he never quit"? Probably not!! I can't help it. I hate anything superficial and it seems superficial to me to think life is grand or meaningfull in and of itself. I just don't buy it. I just finished reading The Watchmen, a popular graphic novel by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. Towards the end of the novel, a character feels satisfied in this great catastrophe he has caused. But before another character leaves, he says to him, " I did the right thing, right?" "Jon, it all worked out in the end, right? Jon replies, "Nothing ends, Adrian." "Nothing ever ends". I liked that line alot. We often think we can make a difference and change the way things turn out here on earth. But the truth is, we don't know the future. All we see is each day that is given us. To us, nothing ever ends. I know it's easy to get lost in that, but it is important to think about. I guess it also has been in front of me alot too. I've also been reading Ecclesiastes. The whole book is about taking joy in your life that has been given to you even though it is utterly meaningless. No value or purpose can be found under the sun on its own. Two musical examples that come to mind is the line I had on my blog for awhile from a Counting Crows song called Amy hit the atmosphere. It said, "Today was just a day fading into another". Also, I was listening to Iron and Wine the other day. His album Endless Numbered days I think says it all. The idea that we know our days are numbered and their will be an end to our lives, we don't know when. Not to mention, the more you notice the meaningless of life, the more endless your days seem. I know I 've felt that way often. Everything sort of drags on in slow motion and nothing ever changes. I guess that's why faith makes us stronger. Life can make it seem pretty pointless to believe in anything or hold onto hope at all. If your like me, than you know you can't do it alone. But I can't roll over and die. I have to believe that someday things will change. In the meantime, the joy is, hopefully, watching your faith grow stronger. And Holding close to the one's you love. I hope this finds you well. Bye Bye, bye bye bye bye....

I'm still here!!!

2007-09-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody. Just wanted to let you all know that I frequently check all the blogs I have links to and enjoy reading new posts even when I don't make them myself. Since school has started up, I have been pretty busy with trying to keep up with the 18 year old kids in my classes, who seem to inhale the information like it was Thanksgiving feast! With some of these classes like chemistry and statistics, I honestly believe that it has killed more brain cells than any amount of alcohol I could ever consume. My brain hurts just typing about it. Thank God for friends and music, otherwise I would be forced to crawl into a small shell and cry myself to sleep. Sound Pathetic? Welcome to my world!! I have been writing more songs lately and playing at open mike's once in a awhile. It's like a breath of fresh air to play music for me. I really enjoy sharing them with people. I wish I could do it more often. I did record a demo of some of my songs, but haven't really told many people about it. I'm terrible at self -promotion. Anyway, Allison (Jordan's wife and close friend of mine to anyone who doesn't know her) wrote some harmonies for a few of my songs. She is incredibly talented and it was an amazing experience to be able to hear her turn some of my songs into something truly beautiful. I think I complain too often about the parts of my life I don't like rather than focusing on the parts I do. Plus there are times where I forget how important music is to me. Some days, I feel terrible and hate everything, but then I play or just listen to someone else, and it calms me. It brings me to a better place. I think it is the same way with relationships and God. This may be controversial to some, but I believe the Bible was never meant to be read alone. In fact, I can't do it on my own. Without others to talk and share your life with. Without others encouraging and interpreting God's word. Without others sharing how it blesses and relates to our lives, there is no reason or motivation to read the Bible, for me. I guess my point is without love that we can see and feel, the words aren't going touch us or hit close to home. Maybe it's just the way I feel. Please feel free to disaggree and post on the matter. Just thought I would check in. Also just some food for thought: I want to encourage everyone that even when relationships with some people can be madening, don't give up on them. God will show you in one way or another that it's well worth it in the end. Along the music lines, I recommend seeing the movie: "The Devil and Daniel Johnston". It is a sad and yet inspiring movie that nails the importance of music. It doens't have to be innovative, or flashy, or even polished. It just needs passion and feeling. That is what moves us. Check it out. Later.

Fighting Ignorance!!

2007-08-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

I just got back from vacation on the mendocino coast. It was nice and I enjoyed going down to the beach and playing my guitar in front of the crashing waves. But, the real reason I am blogging is I just read a post from a friend of mine who wanted to open up dialogue on the topic. But seeing how his blog website is so difficult, I decided to post as my comment. The topic was homosexuality and how the Christian church has come to view it. There were some things I disaggreed with on the post, but most of it I think I understood. I find this topic facsinating, because for some reason, I think it causes more controversy and ignorance than most moral arguments today. I think this mostly stems from the wrong perception that Christians get when they read the Bible about anything. I don't claim to be Bible scholar or anything, I'm just saying that people make their own conclusions as to what it is saying which can be completely off base. I grew up in a Christian home and church and was taught that homosexualty is wrong. As a child, you hear this, even read it in the Bible, then watch how people react or comment every time a homosexual comes nearby. Naturally, the emphasis starts to turn to the homosexual rather than homosexuality. So you find yourself being disgusted with homosexuals and avoiding them at all costs. If this sounds personal, it was. I used to feel this way. And the more society began to embrace homosexuals, the more I hated them. I believe this is where America's church is at with their opinion on homosexuality. I remember having a discussion a long time ago with some church members and family members about whether someone could be born a homosexual or not. I, like many others, believed their was no way someone could be born a homosexual. God wouldn't allow it to happen. Who was I to question what God would allow or wouldn't? And besides, He allowed a Starbucks to be built across the street from another Starbucks, so anything's possible. Anyway, through time, I've grown older and wiser and by His Grace, I've started to see some things more clearly. I was completely wrong and am still ashamed to this day that I thought the way I did. And I am not afraid to admit that the American Church is wrong too. Somehow, we've made homosexuality to be the sin of all sins that is unforgiveable. Apparently we've forgotten that we struggle with all kinds of sins every day. See, that's when my opinion started to change. When I started to notice my need for Grace and Mercy was evident every day because of my struggles with sin, it completely changed my perspective. If I struggle with lusting after women all the time, why can't someone struggle with lusting after the same sex too? The real point lies with the people. We have changed our focus from the sin to the sinner, all the while forgetting that we are sinners too. We condemn the homosexual only to return home to masturbate to the engraved image in our minds of a beautiful woman/man we noticed along the way. Yes, homosexuality is a sin. But so is about a million other things that we all struggle with on a daily basis. We are all sinners and just because I may not struggle with one sin doesn't mean I am better or less of a sinner. We need to pray for one another and love each other as Christ did. Intolerance and Ignorance only divides us and create more hatred, which is something the world doesn't need any more of. A brother in Christ of mine shared this saying, "Love the sinner, Hate the sin." We need to remember that their are no exceptions for certain sins. But, unfortunately, we don't. And the more the Christian Right turns a blind eye to their own sins as the pharisees once did, the more hatred and ignorance will continue to pour into the world. May God have mercy on us enough to show us our own wickedness that we would have compassion for each other and not hate! Much Love to you all!!

Reality in Art!

2007-07-10T09:04:00.000-07:00

So often, we think of art as abstract and seperate from reality. We observe it or listen to it and may possibly enjoy it, but then we dismiss it as some sort of high that gives us peace for a short period and then we have to come back down to reality. I have done this many times. However, I think it's terrible. I think it's not a temporary high, but actually allows us to feel reality even more. It opens our minds and free's our souls. Some people think it's strange that we can come to deeper, philosophocal conclusions after seeing a certain movie, or listening to a certain song, or seeing a certain painting/sculpture. I think it's beautiful. Even if I don't notice it right away, it opens up communication and allows us as humans to really grow in our relationships with one another. Not to mention, it can work as a great ice-breaker when your interested in someone and don't know how to get a conversation going. Even when we don't aggree with conclusions some people make about some art, or maybe we don't aggree with the art itself, it still challenges our thinking and forces us to really think about what moves us, drives us. We always need to be challenged. Our minds need exercise just as much as our bodies. In fact, I would say it is more important for our minds to be exercised than our bodies. Of course, certain forms of art inspire and move us more than others. For me, it has always been music. The styles of music have changed for me over the years, but it has always been music. Perhaps, I spent so many of my adolescent years trying to figure out who I was, that now I appreciate music's power and joy even more. Sometimes, music is the only thing that makes me feel, that brings me to the place that I have been avoiding for way too long. Instead of feeding pills to people stuck in depression, we should immerse them in art. It allows us to stop hiding within ourselves and embrace life with a new perspective. Music, along with all forms of art, is a gift from God that should be embraced and used to the fullest. I encourage everyone to not see art through hazy eyes, but to open them with a clear view to see reality. I hope I've made sense. I'm really tired. It was just on my heart to write about. Also, I was given some divine inspiration through Starbucks. I usually never pay much attention to the opinion pieces they have on the cups, but this morning, it caught my eye, as if I was writing it myself. So, I'll leave you with this pearl of wisdom. It is by a man named Oliver Sacks who, apparently, is an author. Peace and love to you all.

"Music can lift us out of depression or move us to tears-

it is a remedy, a tonic, orange juice for the ear.

But for many of my neurological patients, music is even more-

it can provide access, even when no medication can, to movement,

to speech, to life. For them, music is not a luxury, but a necessity."

- Oliver Sacks

A year closer to death!!!

2007-06-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

Well, it's my birthday today and I don't feel any different. I don't know if that's good or bad, but that's how I feel. Birthday's have become less of an occasion since I was younger and dreamed of all the crap I was get. Now it's mostly just a special time to spend time with people I care about, eat good food, and reflect on the past years and where I am now. I'm 24, so there is plenty to reflect on. In many ways, I am thankful for the years of learning that I have gone through. So many experiences and circumstances have made such an impact on me and the way I see the world. Sometimes I feel like only recently have I been able to really start to figure out who I am. I don't know if that makes sense, but we often say and do things just to make things kosher with the rest of the world. We're never content with being ourselves. It's okay to like a movie that everyone else thinks is stupid. It's okay to like a style of music that others say is terrible. It's okay to enjoy reading or watching a love story even when your a "man". It's okay to enjoy football. Or Not. Ultimately, these are just simple things, but in a way, they shape who we are and our perspectives. I think it's is ironic that on the day we celebrate birthday's brings us one more year closer to our death. Not to diminish the opportunity to spend time with people you love. For that is the true value and point to life and living each year at a time. Anyway, I watched Apocalypto last night. I liked it alot. I am convinced Mel Gibson makes a much better director than he does actor. The cinematography is amazing and some of the camera angles and shots he took are pretty involved. You get this sense that Gibson puts his whole heart and passion into making the movies he does. Each movie seems to hold each detail to try and put you in the movie. You feel like your watching something brilliant. I defintely recommend it. Pretty violent, but well worth it, if you can stomach the brutality. I also wish I had a plasma screen to watch it on. This movie was defintely made to see in HI DEF. I hope all is well with you. Remember to embrace who you are as individuals, but also remember to embrace change when it comes. When our eyes are open to truth, change can sometimes be the thing that makes us stronger, makes us grow. I love you guys.

Falling behind

2007-06-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. It has been a while since I last blogged. I apologize. It is hard to find the time and motivation to sit down and write sometimes. Anyway, first of all, I would like to apologize for some of my words I wrote a while back. Sometimes, I let my emotions get the best of me and I lose sight on what could be deemed offensive. That's not what I'm about. The last thing I want is for people to be offended by the things I say. I can't please everybody, but sometimes it is pretty clear that I could have avoided the offense. I used the F-word in a blog a while back trying to describe how we let personal characteristics alter what Jesus intended as unconditional love. Now, whether you feel my use of the word was offensive or not is beside the point. Kellen commented, correcting me on my use and my response was not proper. I apologize to Kellen and to anyone else who was offended by my comments. I was wrong to respond the way I did and I'm sorry. I still am struggling with being "nit-picky" about language, so I could use prayer in that area, but God has shown me my fault in responding to Kellen's comment. I hope you all can forgive me. Okay, so I have been in limbo for a while now. I find myself wanting to do so many things and spend time with so many people that I end up not accomplishing anything. I'm starting school again soon, so that's weighing on my mind. I have these songs I want to record, but I can't find the time to organize it. I guess I should stop worrying and just let God work it out. We'll see. Anyway, Kasteen Fletcher has joined the blogging community. Hooray!! I've added her to my links so check out her page and show her some love. Here are some lyrics. Hope to see you all soon.

Time
Thoughts inside my head rush out
Fade them all to grey, today is yesterday.
What I thought before is long forgotten
And every memory flees me as quickly as the last.
Time is a sickness for which there is no cure.
With each second passing, I wonder is there anything left so pure.

Chorus: As a smile, just give me some peace for a while
As a faith, that is found in a child, so strong yet so delicate.
As a kiss, that tells me you’ll never leave
An embrace that gives me reason to breathe, but for know
I’m caught between the first and second hands of time.

Seasons come and go, as does my soul
It searches for a place to rest its weary head.
You were my angel, pulling me through
But I just couldn’t find the strength to walk over there and talk to you.
Fear is a carnivore that preys on what you thought you knew
Till there’s nothing left but an empty shell that swears there is nothing true

Chorus
Bridge: What is this? It makes me cry myself to sleep
A passion born where secrets form to keep me planted on my feet.
When all I ever wanted was to be swept away,
Drifting off into the distance where it’s safe.
To find a place where I’m not the only one who’s longing for.
Chorus

Feeling a little down, again!

2007-05-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

Iv'e been feeling sad for a couple days, but today especially. I decided to blog about it in the hopes people will comment to encourage, convict, rebuke, whatever you want. I asked a girl I'm interested in to lunch last Monday and she said yes and to email her with a day we could go. Maybe I got my hopes up to fast, but she didn't email me back once I had given her a day. I don't know why. Maybe she didn't even get it for some reason, but nevertheless, I'm left feeling hopeless once again. On top of that, I bought Garden State today and watched it. Upon seeing it again, I realized how much I loved it and how good it was. But it didn't make me feel good. Instead, I felt even more depressed. I tried to write a song about it, but the words were just bitter and jumbled and I couldn't make sense of them. Also, I watched the finale of The Office on Thursday and it was wonderful. Easily the best finale on TV. But as sweet as the ending was, it left me feeling bittersweet. This may sound cheezy, but the look in Pam's eyes when Jim asked her to dinner made me feel lonely and honestly, jealous, more than it did happy. I know these are fictional shows, but they still have alot of reality behind them. I guess I just want so badly to have someone who looks at me that way. Patience has never been one of my strong characteristics. Maybe I'm not ready. I don't know. It's just hard to enjoy things that deal with relationships with the opposite sex when you don't have one. Maybe I'm just an emotional wreck too. Anyway, I want you all to know that I do feel loved by those around me. In fact, it is the only thing that keeps me going. If you think about me at all during the day, please pray for me. Lord knows I need it!! And also know that without you, my life would be utterly meaningless. Thanks for listening to me vent. Here is a song I wrote a while back while I was in similair state. It's called Shades of Lavender. Much love to you all!!

Shades of Lavender

The Motivation wears so thin, It’s been so long since I felt the tension in my skin
No time for action in this strange attraction to remain pacified.

Chorus: So I lay here, watching the shapes on the ceiling
Colliding and competing for the right to keep my attention
Waiting for shades of lavender to grace my sky
Bringing something brilliant to my life.

Inspiration knocks on my door
He wants to talk but I feel too bored.
Besides, I’m much too busy to waste my time with someone new.
Faith and I, we used to hold hands, walking down that narrow path.
I must have missed something cause now she’s gone and I feel so lonely
Not to mention, the road is much wider than before.

Chorus

Vicious spiral come and claim your prisoner
He’s had enough and he’s ready to give in.
A beautiful arrangement of violins plays the saddest song to accompany this tragic end
Can we afford to waste all this time without searching for something bigger than ourselves.

Chorus

New Song!!!

2007-05-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

No, this isn't really a new song. Just a new post. The lyrics I wrote to this song are largely based on the novel, "Brave New World". After reading the book last year, I knew I wanted to write a song about it. Finally it came. Although, I like the way it turned out, I'm not sure I spent as much time with the music on this one. It may end up as a b side rather than showing up on my cd. I don't know, we'll see. Nevertheless, I still like it alot and I can feel the passion every time I play it. I call it "The Great Condition". I took what is known as "The Great Commission" and changed it to look at how society shapes the world we live in and ultimately, if were not careful, control's it. Enough said. I think the song speaks for itself. Also, on another note, I am finding more and more how incredibly important the relationships we have are. I am constantly encouraged by the support and love of the people God has placed in my life. I can only hope and pray that he does this same good work in my heart. Much love to you all. I went to see Conan O' Brien in San Francisco on Friday. Conan fun and funny, Standing in line for 3 hours not fun or funny!!!!

The Great Condition
Doctor, Doctor, there is something wrong with the patient, he keeps responding
Telling me these issues that he harbor’s deep within cause too much pain to be a spark of imagination.

Chorus: Refill the Soma, police arrest this man he knows too much
Crush all that threatens what we’ve worked for
Call in the Medic, we have spotted someone thinking on their own
Let the drugs kick in then we’ll see just who has control.

Stare into white lights shining through the center of the wall inside your bubble.
And every time you feel a piece of something real, take two of these and let the light take you home.

Chorus

Bridge: Tell me son why don’t you just do what your told
You know your independence is a federal offense
Son, please just make the best of all these cruel intentions
You know I love you, but it’s seen through glossy eyes.

Perhaps we’ve gone too far. Maybe these feelings we should have pushed away.
I guess all I am to be lies in fluffy white lies, all I ever wanted was some meaning
But I’m just dreaming… So
Chorus

Adolescent Memories!!

2007-04-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

I thought it was time to post some more song lyrics. But before I do, let me start by noting I was surprised to see that Adam Duritz did a review on Sufjan Stevens in his new web-review page, which he plugs prefusely on his blog. It is always cool to see famous, mainstream people showing love and appreciation to the more "indie", underground music. Apparently, he is a fan of his. Hopefully Sufjan can get Adam back to where he was with "August" and "Sattelites". Sufjan's songs have alot of passion and truth to them. Anyway, just thought I'd share that. The song I'm about to post is about a relationship I had with a girl in high school. It turned out that she liked me "As a brother", which I think is more of a crushing blow than just saying, "I don't like you"! I, of course, felt like she led me on and maybe she did, but I guess that's not really the point. Looking back, I can see my own feelings for her were definitely twisted. The truth is I wasn't ready. I had no idea about what it meant to give yourself up for someone else. I was a young, horny kid who happened to get along with this girl really well and wanted it to move on to other things. When it didn't, I was crushed. The emotions were real and I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt like hell, but I can see now that it was defintely for the better. We both didn't know what it truly meant to love someone. I guess that's the beauty of God's timing, and the difficulty. It's kind of like my state now. While waiting for a wife really sucks, and I wish I could speed up the process, I think once God does bless me with a wife, I will be able to look back and say, "I wouldn't have it any other way". Meanwhile, patience is the obstacle to overcome and rest assured I cannot do it alone. Anyway, the song's about the emotion you feel in a lost relationship, the pain it causes, but also the realization, later in life, that it was for the better. Hope you like!!

Adolescent Memories

The smile hides the fear inside, hanging on every word, and now I’m slipping fast.
There is a safety here in the unknown
So let’s stay, cause I’m afraid that if I only knew it would kill me.

So tell me that I’ve won your heart
Cause you took mine the day I saw you laugh
I never thought that it might be the most beautiful deception I had ever seen.
To take me, like an empty shot-glass that’s been used and worn
And shatter it on the floor, don’t bother to pick up the pieces anymore.

So tell me how can you trust anything
When rejection sends emotion its final sting
So are you happy, now that you’ve led me astray
My heart’s too weak to compete in your stupid games, you play.

I woke up this morning reluctantly
I wish it never came, 'cause now I feel alone.
I guess I’m better off this way
Maybe I needed to know that love goes farther than her body could ever go
It’s just so hard to understand in my mind
That the best thing that ever could happen to me, felt like the worst thing at the time.

Grandpa's song!!

2007-04-06T16:27:00.000-07:00

Many of you may not know, but I lost my grandparents to a car accident in 1997. It was the first experience of death that I had ever been close to. They were headed back to their house in Fortuna, CA in the rain when they hydro-plained into a redwood tree at 70 mph. They were both killed instantly. I had gone with my mom to see them that day and we heard about it when we got home. Honestly, I can't remember how I felt. I was scared and confused, almost in a denial stage where I didn't want to believe it. Over the next few months, I started to miss them terribly, but I never let my emotions show. As a young kid, I was never able to express how I truly felt, so I just kept everything inside. I still miss them alot, but I have alot of great memories with them. I still don't know why they were taken when they were. It still hurts, yet somehow we all press on. I have alot of cool memories of both of them, but my relationship with my grandfather was a special one. We spent alot of time together when I was young. He spoiled me rotten, no douobt about it. Pretty much anything I wanted, within reason, I got, much to my parents dismay. There was so much I admired about him. He was quiet, often to himself, but full of love and pride for his grandsons. He would often take walks in the forests by himself, just taking in the beauty and peace. I definitely saw parts of me in him. A couple months ago, I decided to let out my feelings in a song for him. The first verse is his, but the rest of the song has my grandmother in mind as well. The song deals with the emotions I felt in their deaths: the anger, the pain, the sorrow, but also the joy in the memories that remain alive in me today. The ironic thing about this post is I'm going up to Fortuna this weekend for Easter to visit some other family members. I hate going up there because it feels so cold without them living in it. It's amazing how a place can hold such beauty when someone we love is there. And although it holds beauty within itself, when the ones we love are gone, that place might as well be Hell to us. The beauty I once saw there is gone. They buried it with my grandparents. It may be hard this weekend, but I hope I can just love the people around me and be blessed by that. Anyway, here's the song. I hope everyone who has lost a loved one can relate to it and know that their feelings are shared. To Grandma and Grandpa Jones. I love you very much. Happy Easter everybody!!!

Grandpa’s song

I still remember my days as a child
Skipping rocks on the Eel river shore
Piggy-back rides down on Main Street, Fortuna
We waved as the cars passed us by
Made a trip down to the donut shop
I never left empty-handed
Face full of cheer, with my hands on your beard
Never fearing things to come.

Chorus: When memories sometimes fail me
I won’t let go, I won’t let go
To pictures that lead me far outside my town
And curse the moon and the sky at night
But I’ll see you soon, I just hope that I’ll be alright.

There’s something about the air up north that leaves me suffocating
And the wind blows like a ghost town without a sound on School street
But amidst all the tragedy, I found an interesting lesson
Invest in people, here’s our sequel to an otherwise disappointing ending

Chorus

Bridge: The time we spent, I’ll never forget
We love by example and yours' gave me wings to fly
And I’m catching the current, beginning to soar
I’ll miss you, till I see you one day on that distant shore.
But right now I don’t know if I can make it, I don’t know if I can take it, this pain.

Chorus: … Damn the moon, I hate the sky when it rains at night
And I’m trying hard not to cry, just let all this fear subside, I hope I’ll be alright.

Cruel Surprise

2007-03-25T19:18:00.000-07:00

I know it has been awhile since I last posted. To be honest, I haven't found the time or motivation to sit down and write. I have enjoyed posting some of my lyrics to songs I have been writing and I hope I can play them for many of you that haven't heard them. My latest song I'll post is called A Cruel Surprise. The song kind of models that of The Beatles song Imagine. It's about seeing things the way we wish they were. Whether it be the world, or relationships, or government, I think we all would like to see some things differently than they actually are. I guess that's where the cruel surprise comes in. When we get wrapped up in our ideals and focus on how we wish it was, reality can come crashing down. When it does, it can be pretty damn depressing. I think it's important to allow ourselves to wish for something different, to long for something better. But when we blur the lines between reality and fantasy, it can be dangerous. We can be consumed by it so much that even trying to search for lasting meaning can become futile for us. I know I have often thought about these things, especially the first verse in the song. Believe me, there is nothing more depressing than dreaming about the girl your supposed to spend the rest of your life with only to find she was a piece of your imagination. I hope you all can relate to this song in a way. It's alot of what I find to be cruel surprises in our world. See ya around!!

Cruel Surprise

Pretty dreams of fireflies dancing in a lover’s eye
And you hope that this could all come true, a chance to finally live
In your own world for two, but daylight is coming soon
And then you’ll wake up without any recollection
All that’s left is the sleep in your eyes, what a cruel surprise.

Sunny skies, hatred dies, and now we are free, sweet land of liberty
No more blood spilled for democracy or ignorance of power
Just a love for all to share every hour, but then you open up your eyes
To the evil done in the name of the flag that flies in your front yard
And sigh… what a cruel surprise.

Saving Grace, ran the race, and now all our hearts will beat as one
And we could say that we’re all like Jesus, we know how to love
Take joy in each other and peace from up above, but now we see it wasn’t true
The gift we were given was only for fools, we’d rather let sin lead us to our demise.
What a cruel surprise.

Drive On!

2007-03-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt so low that you don't even care anymore that your headed the wrong direction in life? So depressed and sadened that you've lost all desire to do what's right, to follow God and seek Him? That's how I felt when I wrote this song. Often times, I become so concerned about the things I don't have rather than being thankful for the things I do have. I get stuck in a state of meloncholy that drains me of any motivation or will to follow God. The funny thing is, I know I'm headed the wrong way, but I don't care anymore. It's like everyone and everything is pointing me towards the cross, but I don't want to hear it. I stick two proverbial middle fingers high in the air and stubbornly continue down my own destructive path. It is only by His grace that my eyes are finally opened to see what a mess I have made in my life. I think the troubling thing is it has been re-occuring in my life from time to time. I don't know why, maybe I'm the most fickle person in the world, but I can literally go from trusting God and following him one minute, to cursing and rejecting Him the next. I am a very emotional person and I think sometimes I let it get the best of me. Anyway, that is really what this song is about. It's about pushing forward down your own direction even though you know what lies ahead will not bring you peace. But it also gives us hope that we might see we need to be redeemed and when were this broken, God willing, we can see our mistakes for what they truly are. The line about cigarettes I put in because I like the way it flowed with the song. I have never smoked a cigarette in my life and will probably never do so, I just think it fits well in the song, so please don't hold it against me.

Drive On

Running away from the pressure, taking one step at a time
With each cigarette, her silhouette runs further from my mind.
And this highway keeps getting longer or so it seems
But I’m starving for direction, driving past state lines.

Chorus: And I should know serenity’s never home where I’m headed
But it just won’t sink in, nothing ever does.
It’s amazing that I’ve gone this far without exploding
And as the rain pours down, it compliments tears flowing down my face
And all of the street signs tell me to turn around and just go home,
But I drive on.

Life is just a lesson, your learning from all your mistakes
But I was a miserable student, stuck in my miserable ways
I know there’s a girl there waiting wanting to have a little fun
Whatever will make me stop hurting, forgetting the outcome.

Chorus

Bridge: And all of the foolish parts of all these broken hearts are taking me over
The pieces that I need to mend these bones together lie in grace and mercy
I just hope they can catch up to me.

Chorus

… But now all of the street signs tell me just to drive until I’m worn
Redemption lead me home.

Retirement Plan

2007-02-23T16:00:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing I wish I didn't have to hear ever again, it would be hearing how I need to plan for retirement. "You don't make enough money now", "you need to set up a 401k", "you should be putting money aside now while your still young", and my personal favorite, "Make sure when you get married to set up a pre-numptual aggreement, that way if anything happens, she can't take your money"! It is hard enough getting through each day without worrying. To add financial burden 40 years down the road, just shoot me and get it over with. I recieved an email from some family members dealing with these topics and how my music is a nice hobby, but it should not override the importance of a good education and career. I know they mean well, but I'm not going to waste my life away saving up all this retirement money only to die and return to the dust from which I came. I guess we just hate to state that fact, but that is exactly what it is, a fact. I'm thankful that God has opened my eyes to this and I am not blindly chasing after material things. There is so much more to life. Anyway, I wrote a song after reading the email. It has some angst behind it, but I hope the focus is not on spiting the people who have given me bad advice, but rather a chance to share an opposite point of view that places more value in others than money or other selfish things. The title Retirement Plan, is kind of a bit of comical irony to show what I believe a retirement plan really looks like. Ultimately, the real retirement, death, is what we have to look forward to. I think we can prepare better with our lives rather than our wallets or purses. So here is Retirement Plan:

Retirement Plan

I just can’t seem to get to sleep
My mind is treading water that’s much too deep
I feel the sharks, they’re all around me
Telling me I’ll never amount to anything
The amount in your pocket makes the man.

They say that money doesn’t grow on trees
But I’ve seen it on the branches of anxiety
Am I doing enough, Do I have the strength to be tough
When my turn comes around to climb the corporate ladder to freedom.

Chorus: I won’t let you drag me down
And I won’t stand in line to wear your faithless crown
My future is uncertain, I may never grow old
But one thing I know for sure, it was never the rose, but the thorns that saved me

When did we deem a piece of paper to have more value than my brother or my sister
Love takes the color of envy, Is this what it comes to be?

So here’s society’s greatest sin
Like a brand new pair of shoes we’ve all been broken in
The illusion of purpose only creates a bigger burden
So pass down all their wisdom to all of your children
The Economy is in their hands.
Chorus

Complacency

2007-02-11T15:14:00.000-08:00

This is a song I wrote about the superficial ways of relationships in our culture today. I think we try to ignore the emotions inside of us as, not important, and subdue them beneath our shallow crust that we put so much emphasis on. I have had relationships in the past that I used for this song, but in actuality, it is mostly inspired by the movie Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. It's weird because the movie was great, but it wasn't my favorite or anything. I think I was just moved by the encompassing point behind it that we can't be afraid of letting each other know who we really are. It's impossible to love someone without going beyond the perceptions we have from the outside. It is a song about deciding to love someone enough to tell them that things have to change, otherwise there is nothing here. I think at some point, we all have to let down our guard and realize that if we break down our shells and love one another for who they are, we will experience something powerful and a passion worth living for. In this song, one person recognizes this and the other doesn't. It sucks because the feelings are still there and its painful, but it's clear that it would be more painful to ignore a relationship based on unimportant things. I have ideas for other vocals and possibly viola in this song that I think might add alot. We'll see how it pans out, anyway, here are the lyrics to Complacency.

Complacency
You were settling, You were settling, and I was so confused.
If we don’t talk we could just chalk it up as a misunderstanding.
It’s easier to feel when you don’t have to deal with who we are.
But a feeling can be just as misleading when your on unstable ground.

And I can’t go on like this…

Chorus: Tell me if what we have was meant to be
I never wanted our love to be based on our vanities.
Screams of complacency have drowned out my sanity.
And I can’t forgive myself for letting us feel that everything is fine.

Stop this pretending, you’ll just make it worse.
A relationship full of regrets
I’m left with conviction, but you’ll never listen, you’ve already made up your mind.
What started so beautiful ends with the bottle
And I’ll drink to fill what love left so dry

‘Cause you and I we are all out of time

Chorus
Musical Interlude
Chorus

Outro: I wish I could have changed, I wish I could have changed you.

Thoughts & Decorations

2007-02-06T15:59:00.000-08:00

One day, I went out to lunch with a couple people from work. The guy I was driving with started a conversation on all the crappy things that are happening in the world right now. As he parked the car, we both saw a man help this other guy in a wheel chair cross the busy intersection. He made the comment to me that it was random acts of kindness like that that gave him hope in humanity. For some reason, that statement just stuck with me. I think we humans so often disect the problems that we see in the world with glossy eyes. We always want to look past ourselves to try and solve the evil we see, completely avoiding the evil inside of us. I had been struggling with God and not seeing any bright spot where I could say, "Thank you God for showing me direction". Of course, I wasn't actually pursuing Him either. Anyway, I sat down and wrote this song entitled Thoughts and Decorations. It's a song that is about understanding the truth about us and how we truly are evil deep down. I think we often don't want to go there because when we do, it frightens us more than anything. We think we can control who we are and what we do, but the fact is we are so small in the scheme of things.

Thoughts and Decorations

Someone once told me of their hope in humanity
I just don’t know why you would have that much faith in me.
We haven’t learned much from history, inhale lies like the air we breathe
Just one more modern philosophy becomes reality.

Chorus: What matters is only what’s right for you,
Then how come it all feels so damn wrong.
We tell ourselves to believe that if we all just get along, there would be no pain
What could be more simple, but my heart is so cold, and in fact,
I believe yours is too.

I remember the stars so bright out in the Arizona desert sky
The colors painted a picture so captivating.
It’s in this place where I feel so small, clear my head and break down the walls
God can you hear me ‘cause I don’t feel your presence here, it’s scaring the hell out of me

Chorus

Bridge: The deeds have all been done, the caskets have been filled.
Pride was to blame for their downfall.
The only hope we have is to set aside ourselves
We all want a Savior as long as He sits quietly on the shelf.
Chorus

Disheartened

2007-02-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

This song I actually wrote the same day as the one I posted before. It was weird because it took me so long to get to the point where I could finish lyrics and be happy with them, that to write another one in the same day was kind of bizarre. I guess it was just built-up material that was waiting to be poured out. Anyway, I have gone through about 6 or 7 titles for this song and none of them worked for an extended period of time. My latest is Disheartened, which I think will be the final, but if you guys have something better, feel free to let me know. This song is just about the depravity of Man and how it can seem like we try so hard to be good and Holy, but we fall every time, each one harder than the next. I think the disheartening fact is that society seems to encourage us in our selfishness. They want to see collateral damage as we rise to the pinnacle of success. As I wrote the lyrics, it became a song about me striving to be different, to not follow the norm. I think it is a song that can bring inspiration to all of us to change. Hope you like it.

Disheartened

I can’t retrace my steps back to when I saw promise in your eyes.
Now there’s only white-washed glances
It’s left me terrified, A heart turned cold by selfish pride.

Chorus: And ain’t it a shame how we get one step closer and yet were so far away
A work in progress, but only till were distressed.
We are a generation of people lost in themselves
Walking on everyone else, whatever it takes to rise above the rest.

You tell me you want peace on earth
As long as it is on your terms.
The masses see through relative eyes
When there’s no absolutes, we hide behind our own disguise.

Chorus

Bridge: I refuse to be a politician
I refuse to sugarcoat the facts
We are dying, Greed consuming
Controlled by our lusts, determines our direction
Corporations, false sensations
Have mercy on our souls!

Chorus

Something New!!! (Love has it out for me)

2007-01-28T20:18:00.000-08:00

I have been struggling greatly lately. I don't know why, but I haven't wanted anything to do with God or following him. It's been a difficult week with alot of things going wrong and me reacting in a terrible way. I hope God will break through this wall I've put up soon and change my heart. I am concerned about my outlook right now, but there is enough blessings in my life to make me realize how grateful I should be to God for his mercy and grace. Contentment is not easy to have all the time. Anyway, I had a great day today, hanging with Jordan, Ally and Harrison, and doing a Bible study with them. It totally focused on understanding God's will and how our hearts tie in to that. It was much needed for me and exactly what I needed to talk about. Hopefully, it will be a start to me coming around to having a desire to follow God. Anyway, as I have stated before, I have been writing songs lately. It has become my breath of air where I can just vent my feelings onto paper about what I am going through internally. I have about 10 songs and I'm looking forward to recording soon. What I love about these songs is that all of them are related to me in some way or another. They are all very personal. Though I have not shared the songs with most of you, I 've decided to share my lyrics to these songs and hear what you think. If you think they suck, it's okay to tell me, I will not be offended. So here they are: The first song I ever wrote is called Love has it out for me. I wrote it in early December of last year. It's about the struggle of waiting for that special someone to come into your life. It's also about trying to talk about it with people who just either don't want to hear it or just don't want to be bothered with your feelings. Sometimes, your just sick and tired of being patient. Then again, maybe you were never really patient at all. So here they are:

I can’t look at myself anymore
Without looking away
My heart has become a chord that no one wants to hear

Who needs them anyway?
It’s funny how honesty chases people away
I think I’ll stay
Wrapped inside the warmth of another meaningless day

I think I just saw a comet flash through the sky
But there’s no one to share it with me.
When love’s the only thing that has any meaning
Your just longing for her to hold you in her arms
But I feel so lonely, I can barely speak
And she is only a flower inside my dreams
And I am running after her again
But never gaining, she disappears into the wind, into oblivion.

But I stare at all the beautiful people
And wonder how they can look so happy
Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way.

I’m still waiting.

NFC Champions!!!

2007-01-21T20:41:00.000-08:00

Alright, I know my football blogs don't go very far with the rest of the bloggers. But as many who are close to me know, it is a part of me and I must express that part of me from time to time. Now is definitely that time. So, as I hope you all know, the Chicago Bears are 2006 NFC Champions and will be headed to Miami to play in Super Bowl 41. They beat the New Orleans Saints 39-14 to win the NFC and head on to the super bowl. The sweetest part of the win was how it happened. All week long, all I heard from people at work, on the street, or on TV, was that the Bears were no match for the Saints high-powered offensive attack. Grossman again got no respect and was expected to fail in what might be a Saints blowout. I love it when the analysts come out and talk like they know everything. Well, once again, all the critics can insert foot in mouth and if they are incapable of doing it themselves, I will gladly help them. The fact of the matter is there was always only one team who dominated the NFC. Only one team that continued to control their own destiny throughout the season. Now, there is only one team who is 15-3 in the entire NFL. That team is the Chicago Bears. And as for the game against the Saints, the Bears didn't just sqeak away with a win, they dropped the hammer on them. It was an outright pummeling, a clear and decisive beating that showed yet again who was the dominant team in the NFC. The Saints practiced indoors all week. What were they thinking? The bears were prepared for frigid weather, it was their kind of game. The snow started falling in the second half and it was a steady 23 degrees. The Saints were crying for their warm beds back in Lousiana. You don't come into Soldier Field not prepared for the weather. But they did and they got punched in the mouth. So, I'm on cloud nine right now. My Bears are in the Super Bowl. I am stoked, but the work is not done. We still have the Indianapolis Colts on Feb. 4th for the big game. I was confident today, but the Bears proved to me even more that we are a force to be reckoned with. We can beat anyone right now. So bring on the Colts. The Monsters of the Midway will be ready, baby!!!! DA BEARSSS!!!!

1 more game!!!!

2007-01-16T13:37:00.000-08:00

It has been 21 years since the Chicago Bears were in the Super Bowl. And now they are one game away from going back to the Big Game. It was a nail-biter last weekend and I was so fricken nervous, but the Bears pulled through when it counted. But now the tension begins to build even more. The New Orleans Saints are a very good football team and it promises to be quite a match. I am concerned, although, confident that the Bears will come prepared and ready. Hopefully the excitement and anticipation of being one game away will not distract them too much. Not much else to say. The game is this Sunday at noon. The winner represents the NFC in Miami for the Super Bowl. LETS GO BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So much to learn!!

2007-01-09T13:23:00.000-08:00

I have been frustrated lately. Frustrated with myself, but mostly with others. Sometimes I wish they would all go away. I know that I am no piece of cake, but there is something about the characteristics of others that annoys me greatly, even to the point of overlooking my own shortcomings. I have been thinking alot lately about people and how I want to have an impact in their lives. But I always can't get past the little things to see the bigger picture. This last Sunday was one of the best Sundays I have ever had. And I didn't watch any football. It was a fellowship Sunday at Church and I got to talk to alot of different people which I haven't done in awhile. I've been desiring that for a long time. But I think the best part of Sunday was Lilly, Carl's daughter, wanted me to take her outside to play. As we walked around, she pointed out different flowers to me and then we stopped at a puddle where she played for awhile. I just watched her and thought to myself, "How beautiful". Here is a little girl who finds the most joy in all of the simple things of life. It made me wish that I could dwell on these things and not be sucked in to the world's way of running things. For the first time in awhile, I actually felt happy. It was adorable to watch her play while she talked to me, some things of which couldn't be understood. I think children have a way of teaching us about what is really important in life. One of my favorite movies, "Little Miss Sunshine", has a scene where Dwayne, the son, finds out he can't fly airplanes because he is colored blind. When he finds out, he explodes and has an outburst, yelling at his family and wanting to be left alone. The mom tries to talk to him, but he won't listen. Then Olive, his little sister, stumbles down the hill and sits next to him with her little arm around him. In a few seconds, he wipes his tears and gets up with her to hed back up to the family. Dwayne then apologizes for his outburst. I love that scene so much. It just hammers home the power that is behind unconditional love. I think sometimes our best examples of this are found in children. Their innocence can crush even the most stubborn heart. I guess the irony comes in when we think that children have so much to learn in life from us. We're right, they do. But we have so much to learn from them too. I guess it is part of a process I need to go through. To let go of my frustrations and start enjoying where God has me right now. There are many parts of me I despise and if anyone has experienced any of those parts, I apologize. I've got alot left to learn. Thanks Lilly for reminding me that the precious things in life can sometimes be found in a flower or a puddle. Later.

NFC Playoffs!!!

2007-01-02T15:54:00.000-08:00

For those who give a crap about football, I have decided to point some stuff out. As many of you know, I am a huge bears fan. I have stuck by them since the year 2000, when I started really following them. It has been 6 years, some have sucked, others have been mediocre, but this year was fantastic. The Bears were dominant throughout the NFC and proved to be a force in the NFC. They sealed up home field advantage and a first-round bye in the playoffs. None of this, however, will matter if they don't get to the Super Bowl. It will actually be much more dissapointing if they don't make it since they had such a great season rather than if they had sucked all year and barely got in. I pride myself in being a bears fan through thick and thin and will defend them to anyone, but I also will tell like it is and will not hesitate to point out weaknesses. I ran into a bears fan the other day who told me that they should start Brian Griese, the back-up quarterback, over Rex Grossman because Grossman gives up the turnovers way too much. While I aggree that Grossman does scare me a little when he has these type of horendous games, I think this fan is thinking in the past. What I mean is that for years, the bears have been noted for their haunting defense. Savage warriors who attack the ball-carrier like a pack of wolves attack their prey. It's beautiful! This is what has made them a force in football. They have been able to have a slow, mediocre offense and win due to their amazing defense. However, of late, the bears have given up way too many points on defense. The secondary has been torched by the Rams, Buccaneers, Lions, and Packers, all of which are bad football teams. Grantid, we have been hurt by numerous injuries in the secondary, one of which is Mike Brown our starting pro-bowl safety. Also we will be without Tommie Harris for the playoffs, who is arguably the best defensive tackle in the game. Injuries have hurt us on D, but if the bears are to make a run for the Super Bowl, they must tighten down on defense and play better in the secondary. I would like to be confident and say that the bears cannot be stopped, especially at home, but I would be lying if I didn't say I was concerned. My concern, though, is not the quarterback. While Grossman has had some tough games, he has also had some tremendous ones. Our problems of late have not been the quarterback, they have been the defense, plain and simple. We could stick Tom Brady or whoever you want back there but if we can't play defense, we will not win. What allowed the bears a chance last year to make the playoffs was their unbelievable ability to stop everyone from scoring. Kyle Orton was our quarterback for most of the year and he sucked. But we still got it done because no one could score on us. This year, the NFC is very weak. In my mind, it is our best chance, with the road to Miami paved through Chicago, to take advantage and win. But Grossman has to relax and make smart decisions, and most importantly, the defense has to buckle down and stop the opposing teams from scoring. Otherwise, I fear that this glorious year that has been so spectacular will be for naught and mediocre will once again be our trademark. C'Mon Chi-town, LET'S GO BEARS!!!!

Killing the Watchman!!

2006-12-28T16:39:00.000-08:00

For the longest time, I have wanted to write my own songs. Things that have been built up inside of me, but there has always been that part of me, "The analytical part", that always crushes anything I try to put down on paper. I was talking with Jordan about it a couple nights ago. I told him I had a great idea for a song, but that I couldn't stick with anything I wrote down. His advice was to "Kill the Watchman". I needed explanation, of course, as to what he meant. He told me that there is this antagonist or analytical critic man inside of us that wants to crush and destroy anything creative or original. We have to get to the point where we do our best to kill him. That way we can allow ourselves the freedom to be creative without caring about our so-called "inabilities". That advice was so crucial for me. It was amazing. I know I didn't kill him, he is still lingering around somewhere, but I wounded him badly. It was awesome. In that very same day, I wrote two songs. It has been an unbelievable experience to let myself go and not hold back because of fear. While our band is doing acoustic shows and searching for a drummer, I have decided to do a solo project with these songs, a kind of folky, Denison Witmer or Rocky Votolato thing. I am thanking God right now that he has finally given me enough courage to write what is on my heart without the harsh critic looming over my shoulders. I would encourage everyone who has any doubts or fears about doing something they love just because they think it won't be good enough to fight back against this "Watchman". He's tough to kill, but the more you battle him, the more freedom you will have to be you. It reminds me of this scene in "Little Miss Sunshine". For those who haven't seen the movie, I won't spoil it, but there is a scene where Dwayne and Frank are talking after experiencing the beauty pageant. In so many words, Dwayne says that it doesn't matter what people say you can do or what they think of you, you just do what you love and forget about the rest. I think I'm finally there. It's about pouring your heart out in the hopes that others might benefit, but if they don't, oh well!!! Keep the creative juices flowin y'all!!!! I hope everyone has a Happy New Year. Much love.

Music, More Music, And Meditation!!

2006-12-18T19:36:00.000-08:00

Things have been pretty slow lately for Filling the Void. Kellen has moved out to the boondocks or "Mt. Gilead" as it is more properly called. We haven't practiced in a couple of weeks, and while Ben and I have been writing new material, I can't help but wonder where it is all going. I want to write lyrics myself, but every time I actually sit down to write, everything that comes out sucks. It is quite frustrating. We do have a show at Thanksgiving Lutheran Church on Jan. 6th, 2007. John might play piano for us which will be awesome. Maybe I just need to be more patient. It was fun playing with Almost There last Friday at Friday Night Jams. You guys are all awesome. Not only talented, but you are all very special to me and I value our friendship greatly. Honestly, I can't help but hope that the terrorists take out all California universities and anything having to do with astrophysics (The study of "Astropops"). MMMMMMM Tasty!! I know you gotta do what ya gotta do, but I would hate to see Almost There end. Oh Well!! Anyway, on another note, some people at Medtronics might be starting a musician club. That might be cool if it actually happens. There are some talented people there. We'll see what happens. I have been listening to Radiohead's The Bends and Tool's Lateralus lately. Both are awesome. Musically both have alot to gain from. Lyrically, I think Radiohead is beautiful. I think I have been too cynical lately. Nothing excites me except DA BEARS!!! Sometimes I feel ready to give up. I believe in Christ and all His Glory. I just don't know how far His grace will go? One thing Carl has been pounding home lately is the pursuit of Holiness and the desire to please God with everything we do. I know that it is God's grace that allows us to pursue Holiness before Him, I just don't know if I can keep going after failing so much. I try to guard my mind from evil, but that works for about a half a second till I realize my mind itself is evil. I can't focus on anything without being side-tracked into destruction. What's worse is Christmas is here, the time of year where you can't breathe because your so conjested by all the holiday cheer around you. I don't have any time to actually stop and even meditate on the things I'm writing about right now. Thanks to anyone who is still reading this and cares at all. I don't mean to always sound so depressing, I just want my life to matter. I want to see God working in my life. I want to feel motivated to press on in my faith regardless of the setbacks. I do see it in small areas such as friends and family, especially the younger children. They have a way of softening even the hardest of hearts. I guess I just want more. These bright spots are what truly keeps me going. So, as one of my favorite songs says, "It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last." Much Love to you all.

Something to think about!

2006-12-05T16:18:00.000-08:00

Jordan and Ally let me borrow three movies a while ago. They are Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Luther, and About Schmidt. I have to thank the Johnson's for recommending these films to me. I enjoyed all of them in different ways. Luther was powerful and inspirational as all stories are dealing with renegades who changed the face of history for a greater cause. About Schmidt was probably my favorite and the most entertaining of the three. I love films that explore the dysfunction of humanity and how we as individuals overcome it. But Eternal Sunshine had the biggest impact on me. I think this is the case because the movie was so weird. The funny thing is it seems like they gave a simple movie with a simple point so much complexity, it made it frustrating to watch. However, after I finished it, I thought about it for awhile. I came to the conclusion that the film did exactly what it set out to do. It was complex, frustrating, and weird for a reason. The movie tries to portray to us two frustrated people who fall in and out of love and go through a process to block out the memory of each other. It's hard to explain, but the point at the end was beautiful. We often are looking for the perfect person who is so much like us. The relationship where nothing goes wrong. But, that is not reality. The reality is we aren't perfect and we aren't all the same. The best part about relationships, the part that makes them real, is the struggle to make it work. The fact that love is not about likeness or perfection, but about unselfishness and a desire to give yourself up for the other person. That was the point of this movie. That we don't have to give up on one another just because we frustrate each other. We can learn to accept one another as who they are and love them where their at. Real love is much stronger and bigger than our fucked-up personalities. The more I live, the more apparent it becomes to me that the only model of this love is Jesus Christ. Honestly, there is no one else. Michael from Dunder Miflin thinks Apollo Creed is better, but like most everything else, he is waaay off!! So, now the complexity and weirdness makes sense. It is only right to include the same ideals and emotions in making the film as you want to portray in the film. Although it was bizarre and tough to watch, we are bizarre and tough to watch! May we cling to Jesus, because His model is our only hope!

What are they doing now?

2006-12-01T16:02:00.000-08:00

I was in a grocery store the other day when I saw a girl I went to high school with. We talked for awhile, you know, the usual, meaningless "how are you?" talk. The kind of talk where you are doing it because you don't want to ignore them, but your life would be perfectly fine without seeing them again. Anyway, it was funny because we started talking about people we went to school with. One particular person came up because this guy happens to be a musician now. She told me that she heard he had a manager and was trying to market his music down in Los Angeles. She also told me he had a myspace page, so I checked it out. He's not that bad. His vocals are decent and his guitar playing is okay too. But what was funny was it sounded a hell of alot like John Mayer's "Your body is a wonderland". I guess one of his songs is on a compilation CD at Target called "Acoustic sounds" or something like that. I don't want to bash the guy, but his pictures made him look more like one of the backstreet boys than John Mayer. He even re-did a Christmas song!! It was fun remembering the kid I knew in high school and where he is now. He used to be this goofy, jock-wannabe who is most remembered for striking out in the ninth inning to end Maria Carrillo's hope of winning the NCS Championship. He was a nice guy, I think. I always got along with him, but you never could tell if he was genuine or not. Of course, I wasn't the most genuine person in high school neither. I just wanted to share because I think it is great that he is pursuing a music career. I never knew he was into music at all. It is a little too poppy for me and the lyrics are a little stupid, (Example: Anytime you use the cliche, " Same old shit just a different day" in a song, it's a strike against you!), but if he is passionate about the music he creates, than more power to him. It definitely encourages me to value the lyrical aspect of music and how much it actually brings to the table. Otherwise, who knows? You may end up being the next Kevin Federline (K-FED), God-forbid!!! Later!

Listen to me!!

2006-11-26T16:42:00.000-08:00

Jordan spoke today in church and it was powerful. It wasn't anything new or earth-shattering, but just convicting. Why? because we never seem to do it. It was about Listening. I think we as humans often dismiss the importance of listening. We put listening and hearing in the same sentence when they don't belong together. I know I often have to catch myself when I am "attempting" to listen to someone because I'm thinking about something else. I thought Jordan's connection between the book, "How to read a book", and listening was perfect. The author points out that we often merely scan the pages and do not retain the information that is there. That is the difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is acknowledging that someone is speaking or a sound is noticeable. Listening is actually retaining the info that someone is sharing with you. I guess this is so important because we are tired of being neglected. We all want people to care, we want to believe that what we say is not only heard, but retained. So often people try to show affection or sympathy in so many ways that just end up being annoying or frustrating. But when someone is simply their to listen to you because they want to understand your feelings or simply because they care, that's when connections are made between us. That's how we can begin to love each other. There is many times I wish I could simplify myself. I want to become a better listener. It takes a release of pride, I guess. To stop being so selfish and be more concerned with others than myself. I often feel ashamed of who I am. I want to believe that God is molding me into a better person, but my character causes me to have setbacks. It sucks, but I know that God has placed people in my life for me to listen to. I think that is what is redeeming. I can say that with confidence. I would encourage everyone to listen to each other. Work at it because like reading, it is not a mindless task. I think we'll find that it is a far better way of communicating sometimes than trying to find the right words. I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. Be kind to one another! PEACE.

Filling The Void, no more?

2006-11-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

Well, for those of you that know or care, Filling the Void has been quiet for awhile. We have a new Cd, in which small changes have to be made, but we all are looking forward to getting it out there. As for Filling the Void, we are putting it to bed for the time being. Although it is sad that we are breaking up as a band, we still love each other and know that it is solely due to personal differences related to the musical direction of the band. Right now, Kellen, Ben, and myself have talked about doing a side project, an acoustic band, at least until we talk more about the possibility of getting another drummer and starting FTV back up again. I really don't want to rush out and get a drummer right now. I know the guys are upset we haven't played a rock show in a long time, but we are a close-knit group that started from our church within and I'm not ready to bring someone from the outside in who we don't know. Besides, I like the idea of starting an acoustic band. I think it would be fun. We'll see, anyways, I just wanted to let you all know the status of our band and what has been going on. Thank you to everyone who supported us and loved us throughout these past 3-4 years, I think it has been that long. Know that you were appreciated. FTV is not dead, just asleep. We will wait and see what God does in the future. If we do go ahead with the side project, we will let you know the name of our band as soon as we get one. Also our last FTV release, hopefully, will be available soon to everyone. Thank you to Kellen, Ben, and Jordan for a memorable experience. You guys rock!! On another note, I'm trying to fight back a cold and it sucks. Hope it goes away soon. Later.

Watching Yourself Fade Away!

2006-11-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

The more each day goes by, the more I wonder about my life and what purpose it serves. I have been listening to Copeland's new record "Eat, Sleep, Repeat", alot lately. I love it because it does describe so simply the meaningless of life in general. But lately, I have been seeing it in my spiritual life as well. How much does Christ really mean to me? I know it is good to have struggles and to wrestle with what you believe, I think I'm just tired of wrestling. I want to be confident and sure of my faith and I can't say I am right now. Ever since I injured my back, All my time has been devoted to myself: recovering, taking care of myself, dealing with the pain. I don't know why exactly, but I have been wondering if I have any faith at all. How do I find joy in something when there is nothing there? Counting Crows have a song where Adam says, "It's a sin to be fading endlessly, but she's alright with me". That's what I feel like right now. I feel like I'm slowly fading away from Christ, wanting and desiring the things he says to stay away from. I feel like I just don't know anything anymore and I can't see God moving. Tool has a song I like called "Sober" where the chorus says, "Why can't we not be sober, I just want to start this over, why can't we drink/(sleep) forever, I just want to start this over". I feel like that sometimes. I have asked God that myself. "God, why can't I have this escape?" "Why can't I live suspended in dreams"? I defintely feel just as lost, sometimes, as the next guy. But I don't want to give up. I know God exists and I know he wants me to be devoted to him. I just feel like I haven't felt his presence in a long time and I need it so badly. I know I have quoted too many songs already, but Counting Crows have another song where Adam says, "There has to be a change I'm sure, today was just a day fading into another, and that can't be what a life is for". I love this line, it speaks to me so much. That is what I see when I look out into the world. And I don't want my life to be the same. I want it to be different. I want it to make a difference. Please, God, don't let me fade away because, honestly, I don't feel you right now.

Where have all the Bloggers gone?

2006-11-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

It seems that the whole blogging community has gone on vacation, including myself. I guess there is not much to write about these days. Anyway, I thought I would check in. I hurt my back on Monday. The doctor said it was a muscle spasm or a pinched nerve. I don't know what it was exactly but it hurt like Hell. I've never felt pain like that before in my life. I've been pretty much immobile for the past couple days and just got back to work, doing light work and not lifting anything. Thank you for all your prayers and concerns. Hopefully God took them as priority over my constant cursing and anger due to the pain. Looking forward to the trip down South with Almost There. Filling The Void will be doing possibly two acoustic shows with them in San Luis Obispo and Santa Cruz. It will be cool playing our music for people who have never heard it before. Plus just being on a road trip with all the guys should be fun too. Almost There has some great new music which I am looking forward to hearing on CD. Keep praying for our band and its struggles. God can do things even when it doesn't look humanly possible. On another musical note, just bought Dead Poetic and Copeland's new albums. Both are really good. Dead Poetic has matured quite a bit, especially in their lyric writing. Not the same as the last album, musically, but it still has alot of great qualities to it. The song "Vices" is really powerful. Copeland is quickly becoming one of my favorite bands. They seem to progress each album they make. This one is called "Eat, Sleep, Repeat", which I love because it points to the monotonous, mundean aspects of life. The only way I can put this is the album is beautiful. From the artwork down to each song, it is a masterpiece. I loved their first record, In Motion was good, but this may be their best work yet. Aaron Marsh's vocals are amazing and their definitely is more of a theatrical presence to his vocals on this record than the last ones. So, I've been enjoying listening to those new albums trying to not think about my back. Much love to all my homies. By the way, did anyone see the Bears, 49Ers game. I believe it was 41-0 at Half. I don't remember the last time that has happened. If I only could have seen all those people who were laughing at me during the pre-season game. To say it was an ass-kicking wouldn't do it justice. DA BEARS!!!

Filling The Void!

2006-10-26T16:10:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, I am the lead singer in the band, Filling the Void. I have decided to write about the band due to the struggles that we are having at this present time. Basically, we have a new CD that will coming out soon that I think we all are excited about. But, as I am sure happens with all other bands, we are not all on the same page as far as our goals are concerned. This last Tuesday, we, the band, were able to talk for about 2 hours discussing our goals and difficulties with the way things have gone thus far for us. It was interesting, helpful, healthy, and frustrating all at the same time. It was quite a turning point for us. Although we are not unified yet in our thinking, I am glad we finally talked about it because it is important to get everything out in the open and be honest about your feelings. The difficult part is we are not all unified when it comes to our direction and the music. These are opinions and feelings that are rooted in each of our experiences with music. They are not going to change overnight, for that matter, they may never change. So, without going into needless detail, we as a band will be doing more praying and discussing than practicing, at least till God gives us more clear direction in our purpose dealing with music. We haven't broken up or anything like that, we're just waiting patiently on God to see if He has a different plan for all of us and our purpose. We'll see what happens. Please keep us in your prayers that God would give us all clear direction about the band and our purpose. Also pray that no matter what happens, even if we never aggree, that nothing would come between us as brothers in Christ. I love my bandmates: Jordan, Kellen, and Ben for the people they are and regardless of what happens in the future, that will not change. Lastly, music means the world to me and I want everyone to know that as long as God continues to give me a desire and passion to play, I 'll never stop!! I encourage everyone to be honest with how you feel. Don't be persuaded without questioning all opinions. Peace my brothas!

One Historical Game!!

2006-10-17T16:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone out there was watching Monday Night Football last night, but if you missed it, you missed History being made. The Chicago Bears took on the Arizona Cardinals at Arizona for week 6 of the NFL season. The game was analyzed over and over again and the verdict was clear. Matt Leinart (Cardinals rookie quarterback) was not going to survive and the Bears were going to cruise to 6-0 without any problems. Then the game was played. Rex Grossman (Bears quarterback) had Bernard Berrian wide open the first play of the game and overthrew him. It went all downhill from there. Rex proceeded to have the worst game of his career. He looked unsure about every pass, forcing things that just weren't there. He, alone, turned the ball over to the Cardinals 4 out of the total 6 turnovers that the Bears had. Anyone with half a brain knows that you can't win when you turn the ball over 6 times, right? On the other side, probably the most impressive thing about the entire game was Matt Leinart. He was amazing. He was poised and calm in the pocket driving the Cardinals to a 20-3 first half lead. In the second half, it started off with much of the same. The Bears were unable to move the ball offensively and the Cardinals were able to move it efficiently. Without writing for days just giving you play by play, it was 23-3 by the end of the third quarter. With two seconds left in that quarter, Mark Anderson (Bears rookie defensive end) sacked Leinart, he fumbled, and Mike Brown ran it in for the touchdown. In the 4th quarter, alot happened in 15 minutes to explain here, but the Bears ended up winning the game 24-23.
I talked to my brothers and Joe Schlabach after the game and all of us were completely dumbfounded at what we just saw. I'm a huge Bears fan and I'm glad we won, but it still feels surreal, almost like we didn't win. Never in the History of any game has one team dominated the other for almost it's entirety and still lost. It was absolutely incredible. There was only one positive about our play that contributed to the win worth mentioning and that's the play of our defense, especially Brian Urlacher. They never gave up. As long as there were minutes left on that clock, they were still in the game. They were the backbone that held strong and brought the victory. Here is another historical stat for you. It was the first time in History that a team has come back from a 20 point deficit in 1 quarter to win Without Any Offense!! I am not kidding. The comeback was defensive touchdowns and one punt return for a touchdown. Ponder that for awhile. For the Bears, it was a poorly played game and changes have to be made in the bye week to be more prepared for the rest of the season. We got the win, but we should treat like a loss because that's how we played. For the Cardinals, this might be one of the sadest days of the year. Everything was going so perfect for them. They were showing the world what kind of team they are capable of being. But I believe there is a mentality in some coaches and players of bad teams that causes them to "sit on it" when they are close to victory. The Cardinals did not finish. Grossman gave them every opportunity to seal the deal and they didn't. Instead of attacking the Bears secondary which is what they had been doing all game long, they ran the ball and punted. This is what defines a team as good or bad. All teams have the potential to succeed and get better each year, but until they learn how to play 4 quarters and finish games strong, they will remain a bad team. What a game!! The Bears are now 6-0 going into their bye week. They get the 49Ers at Home next. Hopefully they will not underestimate the 49ers like they did the Cardinals.

Rockin wit the Southern Boys!!

2006-10-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

I went to a concert in San Francisco with John and Andrew last night. It was a great show. It probably went on too long, but all the bands were awesome. William Elliot Whitmore opened. It's the second time I have seen him. He was awesome as usual. You gotta love a good ol' boy from Iowa with a banjo. Rocky Votolato played next. He was great as usual too. All of his songs are so soothing. John was driving so I took a few back which didn't hurt the soothing factor. Apparently that's was the theme for the night anyway. The headliner was Lucero, a Southern rock band from Tennessee that claim that the drunker you are, the better they sound. Let me tell you this is not true. They were awesome. They have a great sound and the lead singer has a rough, raspy southern voice to compliment the sound perfectly. They were quite tight as a band too. This was especially amazing considering the amount of shots they were taking throughout the show. Definitely a band that you want to drink too. I'm not encouraging drunkeness, I'm just saying having a few beers goes well with their music. All of us liked them alot. Rocky came on stage during their last couple songs to play harmonica and take a couple shots with the other guitarist. You could tell they were having fun on stage and getting into the music. Good times! The only drawback was a bunch of drunk people in the crowd being stupid. Someone kept throwing drinks to the front of the crowd. I got hit twice. Not my lucky night I guess. Once in the head with ice and whatever else, and once in the back where Jack Daniels got all over my sweatshirt. Now I wasn't sober, but some might think I went swimming in it. That part sucked. Plus this one girl was so plastered she collapsed for no good reason right in front of John and myself. We helped her up and I don't think she had a clue what happened. I don't know why people take it that far. To me, you can't enjoy the show if your to the point where you can't stand up. Anyways, all in all we had a good time. Later!

Brokeness leads to Redemption!

2006-10-08T16:59:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently wrote on how down he is on life right now. The only reason I feel compelled to write a blog of my own is because I can't comment on his. The website expired me. Basically, I just want to encourage him and all others who are struggling with the meaninglessness of life. I struggle with this all the time. It seems every day floats right past you. You feel like you want to pause it so you can breathe, but you can't. Everything is exactly what it seems. Sometimes I too feel like I 'm waiting for something to blow my mind and the only thing that does is the Chicago Bears. Believe me, I love my Bears, but it is just football and there is more important things in life. This my friends, the very fact that life seems so mundean, is what test's our faith so much. Sometimes having faith in something is the hardest part about being a human. Honestly, for me, it would be impossible if I didn't see it in others. People don't realize how important we are to each other. To see Faith lived out, to be apart of watching someone grow stronger makes us stronger. It builds our Faith. The truth is, I hate being broken. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate the fact that I can't get away from the one sin that hurts me the most, that hurts my faith the most, lust. Sometimes, I feel like a con-man who goes to Church and tries to be open and honest with everyone, but hides his lust out of fear, out of shame. I was watching this documentary on Satanic Worship on the History channel the other night and it was interesting how the worshippers basically believe in the philosophy that you should embrace your feelings and your impulses and act on them proudly, thanking Satan for them. It scared the shit out of me because that's me, besides the whole "thanking Satan" part. I do embrace the natural, sinful impulses I have. I do act on them. I embrace them over Christ and it kills me. All I want is to live for Christ and find joy in it. I know life is corrupt and vile. Hell, I'm corrupt and vile! I'm just sick of living drenched in sin. I honestly do feel like an avalanche is falling on me and I can't escape. But I also know that this knowledge and desire to change is the first step to brokenness that leads to redemption. I'm almost to the point of not turning on the T.V unless it is a game or The Office. I can't continue to put myself in situations to embrace sin. Father, please have mercy on your child. I believe that when we reach the point where we are so battered we can't go on any more, only then will our eyes be opened to see Redemption just beyond the haze. Jars of Clay has a song entitled, Redemption. It really spoke to me, especially after reading my friend's blog. Here are the lyrics. I think they conclude my thoughts perfectly:

We made it to a strange town

Going down the wrong road

Like any story retold

We couldn't find a common ending

We're way gone, be gone, looking for our own way

We needed a distraction

You said you were redemption

We knew it as a wrong turn

We couldn't know the things we'd gain

When we reach the other border

We look out way down past the road we came from

We're looking at redemption

It was hidden in the landscape

Of loss and love and fire and rain

We never would come this way

Looking for redemption

We were looking out past the road we came from

Looking at redemption

Hidden in the landscape

Of loss and love and fire and rain

We never would have come this way

Looking for redemption

In the eyes of sorrow, eyes of rage

What a sordid histories they played

The drama of redemption

Redemption

Taking a deeper Look...

2006-10-02T19:50:00.000-07:00

I watched "Grizzly Man" the other day for the 5th time. I love that movie. I know their is alot of tragedy and sadness in Timothy Treadwell's life and death, but his interactions with the camera are absolutley hilarious. Each time I watch it, I tend to laugh more and more. But this time, I saw something more than just an idiot who is completely out of touch with reality. I actually saw what the director, Werner Herzog, was trying to portray. There was som much more to Treadwell than just a "Bear lover" who wanted to save Grizzllies and bring knowledge and awareness about them to the public. Herzog used the footage and scenery as metaphors to show the turmoil that was deep inside of Treadwell. The struggles of alcoholism, relationships, desiring a purpose for his life. These were all things that were burdening Treadwell every second he was alive. He used the camera as a confessional to open up about his life and his struggles. Treadwell had the idea that the Wild land where the Bears lived was perfect and untainted. He believed he loved it so much because there was harmony there where the world of people was full of hate and judgement. While I aggree that there is a sense of serenity and peace to Wild land, it is just as harsh and vile as our world. Treadwell began to see this as he lived more and more out there. But I don't think he ever quite understood. I guess what hit me was that while I laugh at him, my heart also aches for him because his struggles were no different than anyone else. I guess it sucks even more when we chase after lasting meaning in places that cannot fulfill our wishes. One thing I like that the director pointed out in the end of the movie was that whether you aggree with Treadwell's mission to save the bears was right or wrong gets lost in the fog. Treadwell is dead. The only thing that remains is his footage. Unbelievable footage that takes our breath away and teaches us that perfection does not exist anywhere he on earth. It teaches us that we all want to find purpose in our lives. The importance is being sure of what that is and that it will last. In my opinion, this is what did bring meaning to Timothy Treadwell's life and death. I recommend this movie if you haven't seen it.

Looking for Direction

2006-09-22T14:05:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking alot lately about my job and what the future holds for me. I have been praying about it and have gotten alot of advice from people on both sides of the argument. My struggle is to focus on what God wants, not what I want. I know that my first priority is to the Church and serving His body, but I don't want to be at a job where their just doesn't seem to be any long-term gain. I'm really close to making the decision to go back to school. But I don't want to do it, stubbornly, on my own. It is interesting to see where people turn to find direction. But what I see is more of people using something to justify whatever it is that they have already decided. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to have confidence in Christ that he will lead me where I need to go. Where I need to live, what I need to do, ect... I don't think I am there yet. Maybe I should read A Purpose-Driven Life. JUST KIDDING!! On another note, my Chicago Bears are rolling right now. Gotta big game this weekend against the Vikings. Hopefully we can keep it up. Later. DA BEARS!!!

Concerto de Mae!!

2006-09-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

Thought I would write about the Mae concert last night at Sonoma State. My opinion of them has just sky-rocketed. I have always been a fan, that's why I went to the concert. But they fricken rocked!! Everything was tight, they got the crowd involved, they were energetic, even the lead singer was awesome, which I felt was their "weakest link" as a band. Vedera was the opening band and they did pretty good. The only negatives I could see was a small room that was packed with people. The show was sold out. The guy in front of me was acting like a goofy jack-ass trying to impress some high school girls. And the New Amsterdams had a rough night. Mathew had the hiccups for the first couple songs and their other guitarist wasn't there for whatever reason. Unfortunately, he adds alot to their music, so it was definitely lacking. Plus, I didn't like their set list. But everyone who has ever been in a band knows that everyone has nights like that. Mae absolutely stole the show. They tore the roof off the place, no joke. And the best part was, it was only 5 bucks. John Knight had a friend who goes to Sonoma State who got the tickets for us at a discount price. Sweet deal! Anyway, got me pumped to do some more shows. Hopefully we can get that rolling soon. Later.

Recording...

2006-09-12T16:02:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems like it has been light-years since we recorded our last album. And now, we are finally getting to the point where we can release another album to the public. I am very excited. I think the best thing about it is the experience of being frustrated together as a band. Recording always takes alot of time and energy and can defintely push us to the limit. I can proudly say that we survived alot better this time than the last time. Pray for me this weekend, as I am going to lay down the vocals. I hope it turns out good. I really like this record and I think it will bless alot of people. I think we, as a band, have improved alot since our last CD and, although, I like the old songs, these songs have more substance to them both lyrically and musically. Hopefully we can get a few shows lined up soon and start playing live again. It's always exciting to see what the future holds so we'll see. Almost There is also getting ready to record their next album. John Knight asked if I would play Harmonica on the new album and of course I said yes. I feel honored to be apart of their lives as individuals as well as share in their musical abilities. Looking forward to hearing their new stuff. By the way, if anyone knows of a cool title for the album, let us know. Jordan opened up discussion on a title on his blog, so I want to open it up as well. That's about it for now. Thanks to everyone who has supported us along the way and helped out with our bands' endeavors. Much Love!! DA BEARS!

Season Opener!!

2006-09-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

The football season kicks off Thursday with one game that will officially open the season. Then the rest of the teams will play their openers on Sunday and Monday. This Thursday, we have the Miami Dolphins and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Now on paper, this looks like a no-brainer. But if you call the game based soley on what the teams look like on paper, then I would say your not using your brain. While the Steelers are coming off a championship year and appear to still be a power-house in the elite of the NFL, There are some minor details you should note. First and most important, no Ben Rothlisberger. He's out, recovering from surgery, so that means Charlie Batch gets the start. A washed-up, back-up quarterback starting in the season opener which everyone and their mother will be watching. Sounds to me like it's hunting season on Mr. Batch. Also let's not forget, no Jerome Bettis or Antawan Randle-EL. We also don't know if Hines Ward will be able to play yet either, as he is coming off an injury. As for the Dolphins, I got two words for you, Dante Cullpepper. Now I know he had a rough season last year, not to mention tearing his ACL and two other legements, but there is no question about the guy's ability to make plays, his accuracy, and his arm strength. He is leaps and bounds ahead of the dolphins past options: Jay Fiedler, A.J. Feely, Gus Ferotte. And it's hard to criticize Cullpepper when he has quality targets to throw to. Randy McMichael, Chris Chambers, and Marty Booker are three very talented options for Cullpepper and will be all season long, barring injury. Without the distraction of Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown continuing to raise eyebrows, the Dolphins will be an offensive threat that cannot be overlooked. Questions will come up on defense, but as far as the opener goes, I think that the defense is gonna be gunnin for Charlie Batch. If they get at him early, it will be a long night for the Steelers defense. They will tire out early. So, I'll pick the Dolphins to upset the Steelers in week one. It definitely should be a good one to watch. I'll try and do the rest of the picks for Sunday and Monday later. It's Game Time, Baby!!

Saying Goodbye to new music Tuesday's

2006-08-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

Alright. That's it!!! I give up. Sadly, I have decided to retire new music Tuesday's as a part of my blog site for good. I have lost all desire to bring good music to the people when all that seems to be coming out is CRAP. I made my decision upon seeing Justin Timberlake's new CD. It has a parental advisory sticker on it. I guess he has a poddy mouth now. If there ever was an assasination attempt that needed to be carried out, it's this. But I guess that we can all rest peacefully knowing that the same Timberlake who captured our children's hearts with the joyous sounds of Nsync now is giving them Future Sex lessons on how to really use those organs they don't know about yet. Thanks Justin. You are a true American Hero! Anyway, I have to change subjects or else I will go into an endless rant. Which is what I'm doing now except hopefully it will have an end. So with that said, New Music Tuesdays are over. Of course, I'll talk about some major Cd's that I see on websites coming out, but no more research or looking at the Best Buy ads. It pisses me off too much.
Now that football season is here, I will be doing weekly analysis on the match-ups team for team. I would not say I am an expert or anything, but I know the game and I have pretty good knowledge of the 32 teams in the NFL. So if you care at all, you can look forward to that. I will also try and do some college games for the hardcore fans out there. Thats all for now. PEACE!

Un Memento, Por Favor!!

2006-08-24T17:56:00.000-07:00

My friend, John, let me borrow the movie, Memento, the other day because I had been asking to borrow it for awhile. I had heard alot of things about it, so it intrigued me. Anyway, I don't really want to talk about it in too much detail for fear of spoiling it for someone else. The point I do want to talk about is something I picked up from the film. One key point that I feel was expressed in this movie is the power of the mind and what control it has over us. Basically, if we condition ourselves enough to believe in something or someone, eventually whether true or false, it will become true for us. The one thing I will say about the movie is that the main character has short-term memory loss. He can remember his past, but can't remember a conversation he had 5 minutes ago. So, in essence, he can't make any memories or really retain anything unless he writes it down. The things he does write down become fact for him regardless of who gave him that information. Now I'm not saying we all have short-term memory loss. But I am saying that we often can justify our actions simply by what we have told ourselves over and over again. It becomes true to us and therefore very real. This, of course, opens us up to deceit, manipulation, and blindness to actual truth. Without something to truly stand on, to ground your faith in, this state is unavoidable. After all, we are like leaves, tossed to and fro by the wind. We can't allow ourselves to be fooled by our minds. I recommend this film. I think it does a good job of portraying this message, as well as, people using others for their own benefit. If you can handle the language, than I would encourage you to check it out.

His Banner over me is Love.

2006-08-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

I have been fascinated with Native Americans ever since I can remember. When I was a kid, I used to watch these old Westerns with my dad and I remember feeling sad for the Indians whenever they would die in the movies. I think as I grew older, I became more intrigued not only because of the rich history behind them, but also the idea of living completely wild on God's creation without any roads or steel or technology. Just you and the wild frontier. I think there is something truly beautiful in that life. I believe it helped the natives to see much more clearly that life was definitely bigger than just them. I recently finished a book I borrowed from my grandfather called, "Indian Wars: The Campaign for the American West". I thoroughly enjoyed it and highly recommend it to everyone. The beauty of this book is it is void of any ideology and slant. The author, Bill Yenne, takes a neutral stance, giving you the facts and letting you decide the possible injustices behind the events. The book covers most of the major wars that started when the first settlers arrived on the East Coast, to final wars on the Southwestern front. It also includes many important figures who played important roles for both the military and the different tribes. For myself, I tend to lean towards the Indians side. Now, I am not saying that Indians were this "peace-loving people" who were in perfect harmony before the evil "White Man" came in and screwed it all up. That is simply not true. Indians were hostile towards one another long before any white man showed up on North America. There were many raids that were very violent and gruesome on villages just to prove that one tribe was more dominant. The Apache's were known for raiding settlers and tribes just to gain supplies. I guess I am more frustrated with the attitudes and actions of my ancestors, the europeans. They came to a land completely foreign to them where natives had lived for thousands of years before them. They proceeded to call it their own, establish towns, establish their own government, religion, and laws. Indians were simply, "Ignorant Savages" who were in the way of their prosperity and agenda. Indians didn't believe the land was theirs to claim, but it belonged to "The Great Spirit" and He was giving it to them to live on. So, here they see this foreign people come in with a flag and claim the land as their own meanwhile trying to push them out, something is not right. Many people tried to convert the Indians to their form of Christianity. When they didn't convert, many were killed. Also, many politicians view of Indians was seen in their laws and legislation passed. In 1830, Our seventh president, Andrew Jackson, who's face is on our twenty dollar bills, enforced a law he put into practice entitled, "The Indian Removal Act". Not a joke, that is really what it was called. It was a federal law that called for the relocation of all Indians living east of the Mississippi river. What has been described as "The Trail of Tears", hundreds of thousands of Cherokee, Choctaw, Creek, Seminole, and Chickasaw Indians were forced to walk hundreds of miles to a reservation in what is now eastern Oklahoma. Not to mention, the many massacres that happened simply because of poor communication or a willingness to get rid of the natives. One such example is the massacre at Sand Creek, which is actually quoted in the Five Iron Frenzy song, "Banner Year". Many Chiefs were against making treaties with the White Man, but one Chief of the Cheyenne on the Northern Plains wanted peace for his people at any cost. His name was Black Kettle. In 1864, Black Kettle, going against many other chiefs, agreed to move his people to a reservation nearby and change their way of life from hunting to farming. He didn't want to do it, but he felt it was the only way to assure the safety of his people. Later, the military came in to push the Cheyenne out. Black Kettle hoisted a white flag and an American Flag up to show peace, but it did no good. The general led the army in and massacred 130 Indians. 4 years later, Black Kettle again would have his people needlessly attacked and this time he would be killed. The general who shot him was George Armstrong Custer.

The atrocities that were committed under the name of Christ, under justice seem almost to much for me to bear. This nation that supposedly held itself to the truth that "all men are created equal" was the same that forced Indians onto unoccupied land so as not to ruin the good land that the white man called his own. It's funny to me how people to this day value diplomacy and the chance to make peace through aggreement and trust. History shows that somebody's word, sometimes, means nothing. Our faith is placed in a flag to represent trust and truth. As Reese Roper says in the song "Banner Year", "A piece of cloth can't hold your faith". How can we expect peace? How can we see promise in a handshake or a treaty, when they have been broken time and time again. I guess History tells us alot we can learn. There is no symbol, no object, no word that we speak that we can trust. Our hearts are wicked and our motives selfish. We don't give a damn about anyone or anything unless it falls in line with our needs. We need Christ! Only He can bring peace. Only He can purify hearts so wicked. Only He can bring trust between people. When will we understand. I'm not talking about religion here. I'm talking about Christ. A real relationship with the one who loves us enough to die for all sins. There is no flag that covers me. No banner or symbol that I trust or bow to. No object that has my faith. His Banner over me is Love. Amen!!

"Wave your flag, Salivate

Stirring feelings of pride and hate

A peace of cloth can't hold your faith.

No flag flies, no banner waves

See the empty pole above his empty grave

No one knows where he lies

And no one knows why he had to die.

A promise is a promise, A judge of character. His banner over me is love."

It's the most wonderful time of the year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

Yep, everybody it is that time of year and no I am not talking about Christmas. IT"S FOOTBALL SEASON!!! A time where men and women of all ages and all walks of life come together bound in unity for one thing: The love of the game!
Baseball may be America's pastime, but Football is without doubt, America's Game. It stands alone as the most popular sport in this country. It even has it's own television station dedicated to giving you nothing but football, 24/7, all year round. It is a sport that allows you to dress up with the garments of your favorite team, act completely insane, and enjoy a nice, meaty bratwurst and an iced, cold beer. I almost get teary-eyed just thinking about it. The odd thing is that most of my friends do not share this interest with me. In one sense it kinda sucks, but on the other hand, it helps to show that we are not all the same. We are totally allowed to have our own interests that may or may not be shared by others. I went to the 49ers/Bears pre-season game on Friday with my brother, Graham. The Bears lost so that part wasn't fun, but Graham and I enjoyed the experience quite a bit. The adrenaline was definitely pumping as the kickoff insued, knowing that the season is finally here. The 49er fans were generally, pretty nice to us and the other Bear fans there. There were a few exceptions and I must admit I had a hard time not walking up to them and screaming, "IT'S EXHIBITION, JACK-ASS!!! After the game, you would have thought they won the Super Bowl or something. Oh well. We will meet again later in the season when the 49ers come to Chicago. I am pretty confident the outcome will not be the same. I got to talk to my brother about some important stuff in his life right now also, so in many cases, the trip was a blessing. With that I send you this last final word. Break out the buffalo wings, the ribs, the beer ladies and gentlemen, cause the season to be happy and jolly is upon us. For the next 6 months, its a football world and were all livin in it, baby!!!!

The Impossibility of Objectivity

2006-08-12T18:46:00.000-07:00

WARNING: I include some spoiler coments in this blog that might ruin the film for you. If you are interested in watching the film, do so first before reading my blog.
I recently borrowed the film "V for Vendetta" from a friend at work. This guy liked the movie alot and wanted me to watch it so I did. The best part was I had been talking to Jordan about the movie and how much he hated it. So this was my chance to create a good discussion about the movie since I would now be able to see it for myself. My conclusion after viewing the movie was a little different than my friend, Jordan. I did not hate it. There were parts I liked and parts I didn't. I enjoyed watching it, however, because it was thought-provoking for me. Now I know I am not as intellectual as my friend, Jordan, so maybe that explains why it did so much more for me than him. What I liked about the film was the underlining point, yes Jordan, I do believe this movie had an underlining point. And that is that we should question authority and the ideals of oppression, manipulation, discrimination that can become apparent in government. We should not go through life blindfolded and fooled into thinking that government has our best interest at heart because it doesn't! In fact, we should stand up and fight for what we believe in. I want to be at the point where if the government said I couldn't worship Christ anymore or I would die, I would be able to gladly go to my death in public protest of an oppresive government. I believe this was the main point of this film, so in that I aggree. Where I disaggree is the subtle contradictions that Hollywood is oh so guilty of whenever they are making movies with a clear agenda behind it. For example, this movie, as I have stated before, is about conquering oppression, manipulation, and discrimination. Yet, the character who portrays a ruthless and diabolical dictator is portrayed as a Christian. There are several quotes, symbols, and scenes that make this clear. It is hard for me to endorse or recommend a film that blatantly discriminates against Christians, saying that Christians are all oppressive and close-minded people. Interesting that a movie with an agenda against discrimination would discriminate against a belief that many people have. Another example is the main character V. In the movie, he is the freedom fighter for justice and vengeance against the government. He is fighting against everything the government stands for: oppression, discrimination, and manipulation of the people. Yet, in one scene, he, in fact, manipulates Natalie Portman's character to conquer her fear. He puts her through hell to try and bring her to where he is mentally. These types of flaws only destroy the very agenda the movie was trying to get across. So, I would say that I aggree with my friend Jordan on most points. No, I don't think this movie is right on or think that it is full of truth. But I also don't believe it was a waste of time. I believe this movie can cause us to open our eyes to the reality and danger of an oppressive government. But more importantly, I believe it can show us that objectivity cannot exist. What may begin as a neutral story can turn into propaganda faster than you can blink! Because the reality is that we are all humans with our own opinions and perspectives on things. So when we set out to tell everyone the way things should be or the way things could be, our own contradictions will come back to bite us showing that we really had our own agenda all along. That we were only really concerned with one side of the story. In the end, the government is made up of people just like you and me, with different opinions and ideas on things. In the end, I think we will find that alot of the things we hate, the things we feel we must stand up and fight bitterly against, are in fact apart of us as well!!!

The Sun and I do not get along!!!

2006-07-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

Well, we're back from an exciting trip to SoCal to go surfing. It was awesome. I enjoyed surfing alot, however I would like more practice next time to get better at it. It is alot harder than it looks. Unfortunately, for me, my water experience was cut short by my fair skin. The first full day, I forgot to re-apply sunscreen after being in the water. I was absolutely baked! It was hard to walk afterwards and my stomach felt like someone hit me as hard as they could with a crowbar. Aside from that, everything went great. The time spent with my brothers in Christ was, as always, a treat. It is times like these spent with friends that truly make life special. We were all very tired after 2 1/2 days that we decided to come home early. It was a smart idea because that gave us all an extra day to re-cooperate from the weekend. One thing I wanted to write about though was something I overheard today. I was shopping at a local Christian bookstore near my house looking for a birthday card for my brother. While I was browsing, I overheard a lady ask the clerk if they could help her find a church that spoke the Word the way she was used to. She went on to talk about how she thought it was wrong for Christians to just pray for people who are sick, but that we should tap into the Spirit and heal them through Jesus Christ. She mentioned some famous pastor in Georgia that influenced her. The clerk she was talking to was just nodding his head in aggreement with her saying he would do everything in his power to find a church to fit her needs. But another clerk, who was questioned by her, told her he didn't aggree with what she was saying. She was, of course, offended and started to argue with this guy. The other clerk tried to shut his partner up and help the lady and that's what really irritated me. It was so obvious to me that this guy didn't care about the lady who was obviously way off in her thinking. He just wanted her business, her money, to make her superficially comfortable enough to come back and spend more money in the stupid store. I didn't say anything, I felt it wasn't my place because I wasn't in the discussion. I try to watch what I say, but the first thing that came to my mind was how fucked up is this situation? Here is a guy who has the opportunity to love a professing believer and correct her where she is off and instead he uses her for profit. Not only that, but he tries to stop his fellow employee from doing the right thing in correcting her. It left me in disgust as I walked out, feeling like no one desires to be different anymore. To step out, in faith, against the culture of this world and be set apart as followers of Christ united in his love. I do not feel united with these people who call themselves Christians, but their actions speak otherwise. Like it or not, I believe that we are renegades for the truth in this present age. We are fighting against a Christian culture that is not set apart but is compelled by the same motive as the world, Greed! I pray that we can continue to encourage one another and hold one another accountable in love so that we will not fall to this deception. I am so thankful that God has given me eyes to see this. It gives me confidence that where he has me now is the right path.

New Music Tuesday- 7/11/06

2006-07-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry to all that I haven't updated in awhile. I had some family issues to deal with, but here it is one day late, your new music tuesday. I missed last Tuesday, but I think it was on purpose because all the music sucked! This Tuesday, however, does have one new release worth checking out. If you like emo with a touch of punk and even modern alternative, I think you will enjoy this CD. The Early November is a band I recently discovered and liked their sound alot. It is comparable to Jimmy Eat World but with vocals that are definitely more emo. I enjoyed their last CD The Room's too cold and was looking forward to this new one. I've listened to samples and it seems to be promising. It is entitled The Mother, The Mechanic, and the Path. The crazy thing is it is a 3-CD set that features 46 tracks. Each CD displays a different writing style as well as music. And its $9.99 at Best Buy. There is nothing I love more than good music at a good price and lots of it. While I wouldn't just run out and buy it without checking it out, this is a cd I feel confident in recommending to music listeners. Check it out.
Also, another cd you might want to try is by Fair. It is called The best-worse case scenario. It came out a little while ago, but definitely worth your attention. Aaron Sprinkle, who is the main producer at Tooth and Nail Records, formed this band and they are pretty good. If you like Death Cab for Cutie, then this is a good one for you.

IT'S FRICKEN HOT!!!

2006-06-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody. I decided to write one more post since I'm leaving for the mountains tomorrow. It's about 105 degrees today in Tucson and I can't help but feel like it's giving Hell a run for its money. Happy to be on vacation. I was thinking on the flight over about life, especially since I started reading Brave New World again. It is such a fragile thing and the minute we think we can control it, things collapse right before our eyes. I was looking out the window of the plane at San Diego and then Tucson with wonder. To think that this globe we live on is so vast to us and full of all kinds of life, is just one small planet in a gigantic universe. I often think everything revolves around our world, then it starts to get smaller until it only revolves around me. I don't know if there is life on other planets, but I think if we did find life, it would be very humbling. I guess it would make me realize life is bigger than myself. The Goo Goo Dolls have a song with the line, "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are". I like that line. I like it because although it does make me sad, it also makes me a hell of alot less selfish. I start to thank God more for the little things I often take for grantid. I begin to realize how much I am blessed and to praise Him for it instead of curse Him everytime something doesn't go my way. It's important to remember where God has us here and now. While I am anxiously awaiting and praying for a wife, I should be mindful of the things God is doing in my life right now. There's definitely a lack of trust that comes into play here. It's just so hard with the "wife" thing because of lust. It consumes me until it becomes the only thing I long for and desire. Which then causes me to become angry and agitated because I can't satisfy it. Not to mention, my desire is really focused on sex rather than a wife. Pray for me. Sometimes I think the demons are too strong to cope with. But I know the Lord promises never to abandon us even when we abandon Him. Just some thoughts and struggles of mine. Oh, by the way, I got the BMW. It's awesome. I fricken love it. Just another example of God coming through in the clutch even though I don't deserve it. Later.

New Music Tuesday- 6/27/06

2006-06-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

Normally, this will not happen. I decided to do my new music blog a day in advance only because it is my birthday today and some friends of mine got me the new dashboard confessional CD. The same CD that was supposed to be released tomorrow. They said they found it at the Last record store. Weird!! I guess they put it on the shelf early. Anyway, I've been fortunate to listen to this album and actually give you a critique before you buy it. This is my only new release for this Tuesday!! So here it is...
The new CD is called Dusk and Summer. It has been highly anticipated after Dashboard's very successful, "A mark, a brand , a mission, a scar". Many fans liked this album, but longed for Chris Carraba to return to his acoustic, emo roots. I partly agree with these fans. While I enjoy his electric side, I truly do miss the simplicity and beauty of The places we have come to fear the most. Unfortunately, these fans will be very disappointed. Dusk and Summer has one acoustic song on it, the self-titled one, and even that song has that "Highly Produced" sound that hurts the track more than helps it. In fact, the whole album could be looked at as "Highly-Produced". This is just a different Dashboard than we're used to. Some of the songs are definitely going to take some getting used to. With all that negativity being said, I don't hate the album. It has some great songs on it, one of which entitled "So Long, So Long", features Adam Duritz, Counting Crows lead man. And Carraba continues to grab you with his thoughtful lyrics and strong, emo voice that can't be matched. The subjects range from Seizing the day to broken love to sex, picking up where Hands Down left off. There is also a song entitled, Slow Decay, about war and how it effects individuals who make it out alive.
In conclusion, I'll say this. I like the album. I have to give more it more time to see how much, but I definitely like it. Does it come close to his last two projects? Unfortunately, No. But it does have it's own beauty that I think we'll love if we give it a chance. So, I would encourage everyone to purchase it and be patient with it. Don't expect the Dashboard of old. If you do, you will be sorely disapointed. Instead look at it with an optimistic perspective. Alas, we can always hope Carraba will pull out that dusty, acoustic guitar and give us a few more emo songs one day. Until then, I guess it all fades with Dusk and Summer.

"Communication Breakdown"

2006-06-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

Communication is a funny thing. It's supposed to be so simple. The one thing we all do with one another to help each other understand what were thinking about or where were coming from. But instead it is so complex, it's frustrating. I understand everyone is not wired the same way and I'm glad we aren't because that would be lame. But why is it that we spend so much time as humans trying to explain to others how we feel, only to come out of it more frustrated and confused? I know what this is like. So often there are times in my life where words cannot express the way I feel. We all encourage each other to talk about it especially when its about struggles or pain, but what happens when you do try and talk about it and no one seems to understand? I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is struggling with boredom. More importantly, struggling with the temptation of sin that arises because of boredom. I was blessed to be able to talk with this person about it and certainly was encouraged by the honesty, yet I felt a sense of confusion and frustration that I didn't really understand what he was feeling like. I'm sure he felt the same way. We're told that talking about it helps you to confront whatever it is your going through, and I believe it does when communication is clear. But when its not and the words just seem to get lost in the confusion, it breeds more sadness and pain. I guess the important thing I realized was that we often think we can resolve all our issues. Whether it is within ourselves or with others that we care about. But the fact is that sometimes, You and God are the only ones who really know what's going on inside. Maybe we trust our human capabilities to understand more than God's. I don't know. I just wonder why we are constantly led to believe that the center to our understanding is our own intuition. It's no wonder were constantly left feeling worse than we did before. We just won't accept that were finite. We push on, stubbornly, towards the goal of personal enlightenment avoiding reality. I worry about myself. How many crushing blows can a prideful soul take before it, either, calls out to it's creator or dies in meaningless, self-defeat?

New Music Tuesday!! 6/20/06

2006-06-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

I'm Sick of hearing about the radio stations talking about the new hit music that comes out every tuesday. Most of what they tell you about is crap anyway. I once heard while I was listening to 101.7 theFox, this guy give his usual New music Tuesday report. I was absolutely disgusted when he said, "Sorry everybody, there is no new rock music that comes out today.""But make sure you pick up the recently released Disturbed album, "Ten Thousand Fists", in stores now." WHAT???????? NO ROCK ALBUMS COME OUT TODAY?? It just so happened that on that very day, Project 86 was releasing their new album, And the rest will follow. No Rock albums?? Who is this jack ass?? Project 86 is one of the best rock bands of this decade and he mentions Disturbed? Whatever. That's why I have decided to start a blog of my own that let's you know about the good music that comes out on Tuesday's. So, since music is what I love, I will do my best to bring you this information every Tuesday, if any good music comes out at all. So we begin with today which has three new releases that are promising...

Define The Great Line: Underoath has run into soaring popularity after their last CD, They're only chasing safety, got them noticed by people everywhere. In fact, They are on the Warped Tour this year and have been getting lots of play on MTV2 and Fuse. While I'm not sure yet if this CD will be as good as their last, my hopes are high. Underoath has a great way of making screamo/hardcore vocals bring out the insanity in you. Whenever I listen to them, I get a inspired, this fricken rocks, feeling that you can't help but love even if the constant screaming gets on your nerves. I did listen to a few of the new songs on their pure volume page. They still have that same sound that gets you on your feet. The screamer has added a deeper, metal scream in some areas which should add some variety. I can't really critique the album because I don't have it yet. But I can say it does look to be promising and is a must purchase for all of the hardcore fans out there.

Live at the Heineken Music Hall in New Amsterdam: Counting Crows is my favorite band and to those who know me this is no secret. While I have been disappointed that the band has not released a new record and will not until late 06-07, I am excited about this record. Anything they do is gold to me and even though it another live album with all songs I've heard before, it will definitely be in my collection. Their activity of late has been limited due to Adam's personal problems and issues, but the band is finally touring again with the Goo Goo Dolls so check them out if you get a chance. Adam also took time out to appear on Dashboard Confessional's new cd coming out soon. Anyway, the up side to this record even if you don't like live albums and have heard these songs too much is there is a new song on this record. I guess it is just a teaser for us loyal fans waiting for the next release. I still highly recommend it. Were talking about one of the greatest bands ever to walk this earth. Trust me, they never disappoint.

This Town's Disaster: Blackpool Lights is a new alternative band started by Jim Suptic, The Get up Kids. I heard about them because I was interested in what members of the Get up kids were doing. I found this band and went to their my space page. I was impressed. If anyone knows alternative, indie/emo, its the Get up kids. Anyway, this band has a great sound that is perfect listening music if your traveling somewhere. I contribute their sound to bands like Fair, Feilding, and of course the Get up kids. Best Buy has this record for sale for 8 bucks, so pick it up. Also, their on tour with Anberlin at the moment so if you get a chance to see that show, it would be amazing. I also highly recommend this one.

So there you have it. Your new music for Tuesday, June 20th. Happy listening!!!!

POLITICS (poop sauce) - A word that describes anything that is void of Honesty or Integrity!

2006-06-11T19:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, I admit it. I used to love politics. I actually would watch the Fox News channel for at least 3 hours a day. I knew all the issues. You might say I was a freedom fighter for the Republican party. Defending the Right with whatever hurtful, personal cuts and slams I could think of to crush the bleeding hearts into oblivion. Trust me, I was well armed with all the evidence (or as some may call it "propaganda") to fight against the liberal way of thinking. But then something happened. I can't quite explain it. Maybe it was divine intervention or possibly just a granola bar and apple I had to snack on for a change. Whatever it was, it opened my eyes to what politics was really all about. I continue to change as I grow older and with that has come a different perspective on politics. That perspective is.... IT SUCKS!! I used to believe that everything Republicans stood for was what Jesus was all about. Liberals were sent to do Satan's work and Republicans were sent to do the mighty work of the Lord. Boy, was I wrong. Somewhere, God opened my eyes to lies I had been told. I became concerned with things like honesty and love. How to live as Christ lived. To love our enemies and care for those who persecute us. Since these things became important to me, I couldn't help but notice how disgusting politics are. Suddenly, everyone I saw on TV were hypocrites, saying whatever needed to be said to gain the votes of the public. I realized that what I had thought to be important was actually just a game in which two people deceive as many people as possible and the one with the most followers, wins. Where was the honesty, the integrity? I guess it is much easier to fool the masses than one person who knows who you are.

I think what hurt the most was that nobody cares. Politicians are only concerned about themselves, their agendas, their families, their issues, their financial stability, their religion, their lives. Why is it that we spend so much time, energy, and money on arguing over Space, war, terrorism, gay marriage, immigration control, when we could be helping so many people who need love and care here in our country and overseas. I think it is because we are fueled by hate. The issues that we fight about, the greed that we covet. Everything we find to be important is based on hatred, whether it is toward an ideal or a person. Like the cartoon above, hatred is everywhere and it causes us to be blinded to the opportunities to love those around us regardless of political views. Michael Moore is a good example. Instead of helping those less fortunate with his money and time, he spends it on bashing others with opposing views and spreading hatred against individuals. This is why I am determined to steer clear of political banter. It only fuels hatred. On the other side, Bono, the lead singer of U2, is spending his time and money with the hurting people of Africa who are suffering from starvation and Aids. He is striving to make this aware to the public and bring this concern to Congress. Though it may not do any good on a political level, I feel hope again by what Bono is doing. He realizes the need to love others and show Christ to the world. His concern is not who is the president of the U.S., or whether conservative views are being pushed on us, or how to stop liberal views from spreading through our schools to our children. His concern is how can he love those who not only need financial help, but need to see that someone out there cares about them and wants to be in their lives and help them. My prayer is that we all stop next time it seems easy to get caught up in a political discussion that turns out to be so meaningless. But that our concern would be for individuals and their hearts. I hope that we would be motivated to live as Christ lived and show compassion to the hurting and lost. Were all going to die one day. Christ is the only thing that matters. The rest of this shit is going to burn.

The Office

2006-06-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

In the television world, there seems to be so much of the same monotonous crap!! Reality shows that have absolutely nothing to do with reality, BRILLIANT!! Ever since the days of Seinfeld, I have been yearning for another creative comedy. Something that seems to tickle your fancy every episode. Something you have been waiting for. Sitcoms continue to pop up everywhere only to cause you to pull your hair out and gnash your teeth, trying to figure out How in all of God's green earth could a show like this get air time? I had virtually lost all hope, until I was introduced to The Office.
Jordan first showed me a couple of episodes from the British version. I thought they were amusing, but not funny enough to be drawn in continuously. It was actually not until a few episodes into the second season did a guy from work say that I had to see this show. So, I decided to watch it and give it a chance. It was on that evening that my life changed. It was absolutely hilarious. Each character had his or her own personality that had me rolling with laughter. I was hooked and have been ever since. I have all 6 episodes of the first season on my Ipod. I actually look forward to Thursday nights just to watch the next episode. Hilarious. I can only hope they keep this show around for a long time. But, knowing the history of television here in America, it will probably be cancelled for the premier of Survivor 10: The plains of Kansas. God help us all. Anyway, take some time out on a Thursday night and tune in to NBC at 9:30. It just may give you hope again that there just might be writers in the Television business who still have a sense of humor. Hooray for The Office!

Finding Feeling in Music

2006-06-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been listening to alot of different music. I love to listen to music right before I fall asleep. It's peaceful. I find that music, to me, is the best way to reveal one's true emotions. Talk can be so cheap, and there is a beauty to music that touches our soul where mere words cannnot compare. Of course, music too can be cheap if it is not honest. I think that is what attracts me to the music I like. There is an honesty, a devotion to staying true to your heart in writing and making music. That is really what makes it so special. Alot, of what I have been listening too is sad, depressing music. It's kinda funny, but I think that often the songs that are dreary and depressing are more enjoyable than the poppy, "Always smiley because Jesus loves me" songs. You know, the "Powerpop Gospel" type of music. I believe it is because of the honesty. It truly drowns out the sugar-coated bullshit that leaves you confused and unsatisfied. We want something we can relate to. As Project86 puts it, we are crying out for something we can feel. Let's face it people. Life is not just "peaches and cream". It can also be "piss and vinegar". It's important to recognize this because it is when we are broken that we see are desperate need for Christ. Jordan wrote a song called "Secrets" that has a line that says, "Only broken find the healing hand". Our eyes are often clouded by our selfishness when everything seems to be going well. I'm sorry for quoting my own band, it was just too perfect to pass up. Let's continue to pray for one another that we will not be blinded to superficial thinking. We can take heart in our lowest times because it is in that place where we truly feel. Here we can find comfort in knowing Jesus will carry us if we trust in him. Christ is our recovery room.

Here is some music that I have been listening too!

Denison Witmer- Are you a Dreamer?

As Tall as Lions- Lafcadio

Copeland- Beneath Medicine Tree

Counting Crows- Everything they've done

Death Cab for Cutie- Transatlanticism

Fielding- Fielding

The Get up Kids- Something to write home about

The Jealous Sound- Kill them with Kindness

(F.Y.I: I used the phrase "Recovery room" from one of my favorite songs they do. This song is particularly depressing.)

Jimmy Eat World- Clarity

The Lyndsay Diaries- The tops of trees are on fire

The New Amsterdams- Worse for the Wear

Number one Fan- Compromises

Rocky Votolato- Suicide Medicines and Makers

Slow Runner- No Disassemble

The difficulty of Faith

2006-05-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

I am often so amazed at how God uses anything to speak to us when we need it most. It seems like when I am struggling with something, He always is speaking to me louder than ever, even when I try to ignore him. Especially when I am trying to avoid it, He always seem to hit me the hardest when I least expect it. For example, I have been struggling alot lately with Faith and what it means to trust God wholeheartedly with everything in your life. I have also been struggling with how to share my struggles with the ones I am close to, as well as when I am on stage playing a show. Faith is so big and important to all my decisions in life. It has such an impact on our emotions and feelings, so when your battling with your faith, it can be a weighty burden. But God continues to amaze me with the ways he speaks. As some of you may know, my favorite band is Counting Crows. They have had such an impact on my life with their music, it has literally changed the way I viewed music and its importance to us, as humans. I have been moved by their songs many times before, but God used them and a personal friend to hit me even more. A couple days ago, John Knight gave me a copy of some of the songs the Crows did for an episode of VH1 storytellers. It was awesome because you get to hear about the authors feelings and reasons as to why a certain song was written. What hit me in particular was Adam Duritz's (the lead singer and writer for the band) comments before the song, "Angels of the Silences". He basically said that the song was about faith and his personal struggles with faith in himself, God, and other people. He went on to add that Faith is a real difficult and scary thing because its about waiting. Your basically hanging yourself on a ledge of a fence and waiting for what's to come. Hearing that from Adam was amazing. It was so encouraging to relate to his struggles and to see him open up to the audience with his feelings and struggles. I had to praise the Lord for getting through to me in way I never thought possible. Thank you John for sharing this with me, it was just what I needed. I hope they come out with it on DVD soon. Needless to say, my faith was strengthened through the words of a non-believer, but someone I admire none the less, in a powerful way. Thank you Heavenly Father for having grace on me enough to break through this thick shell to my aching heart that so desperately needs you.

Da Vinci Craze!!!

2006-05-22T16:49:00.000-07:00

Recently, I watched "The Da Vinci Code", the movie based on Dan Brown's bestselling novel. I enjoyed the book strictly from an entertainment perspective and do not buy into the conspiricies dealing with the Catholic Church and whether Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene. But I must say that I think this controversy is what makes the novel so compelling and suspenseful. The idea that this might be true and everything you believe in, is in jeopardy, causes it to be that much more intriguing. I'm not saying the evidence to support the authors theory is compelling, I'm simply saying that building a mystery story around a topic that is so controversial just adds to the suspense.
The movie was pretty good. It followed the book pretty closely. However, many people will be blinded to the truth and believe this movie as Gospel Truth. I heard somewhere that they are already selling a large amount of gnostic gospels that were not as popular as before. I can see Dr. James Dobson and the Christian coalition pissing there pants right now because they didn't protest the movie enough. What Chrisitans need to realize is there has always been and always will be things that test our faith and lead the masses astray. Until Jesus returns, the world will only digress and we will watch it cave in. (That last line is a New Amsterdams song, so I just threw it in there for kicks and giggles.) So in conclusion, I reccommend the movie, soley on a entertainment level. Then, talk about it with your brothers in Christ and pray for those who might be led astray by false teachings. Don't believe tha Hype Yo!!!

My first Blog!!!

2006-05-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. My name is Brent Hitman and after much persuasion from some of my friends, I have decided to start my own blog. It promises to be entertaining and will cover anything from culture to music to sports. Basically, it will be a place to vent my thoughts. So, her it goes. I am in a band, Filling The Void. We played a show last night at Thanksgiving Lutheran Church. Overall, I'd say it was a good show. Much thanks to John Knight from Almost There for helping us with Keyboard. You rock, dude!! We have a show coming up at 5th street Concerthouse this Friday, May 26th. Please come out. We would love to see you there. Anyway, There will be more blogs to come, so stay tuned. I will be including bands to check out every once and awhile. For this one, check out Fielding. Some old members of Plankeye with a great alternative sound. Check em out!! See ya!!
P.S. I must apologize to Charles Barkely for stealing the title of his book for my blog site. I promise that if this blog becomes a money making machine, you will be entitled to whatever revenue you see appropiate. PEACE