If you find my brain, please let me know!!!
It happens all too often that I feel like an idiot. It just magnifies every now and then. Like now for instance. I just turned in my deposit to Sonoma State for the fall. Apparently, I must have read over the part that said it was due March 30th! (insert any frustrated expletive of your choice). I couldn't believe I was that dumb. Luckily they were really nice and they took the deposit, but now I'm on a waiting list and I don't know if I'm going to get in. Thanks alot, Self!! As if I needed another excuse to feel like shit. Stubborness and Procrastination have always been my constant companions, but why can't I learn every now and then. For once, I would love to make a mistake and never repeat it again. But I guess that is not being realistic. Speaking of being realistic, I did humor myself though by thinking if I only went to Hogwarts, I could have used a Time Turner:) Anyway, I've been thinking about God alot lately. That sounds weird, but oh well. This past year has been kinda rough in terms of faith. In fact, I 'v had to face the realization that there is none. I suppose it is due to alot of factors. Partly anger at everything religious, and partly insecurity. I really struggle with trusting anything will work out. I try to stay positive and optimistic, but when things go bad, I don't really have much optimism. The crazy thing is I have alot of friends who live it. I don't mean like an abstract idea, but actually base their life around their faith. I think I'm stuck more towards the abstract idea. But I think it's beautiful to see it in my friends' lives. I guess that does give me hope that God can rise above my hatred or lack of trust and insecurity. Because the truth is, I am, literally, a worthless waste of space without some purpose that doesn't completely depend on everything I do. Just thought I would vent some thoughts for awhile. One of these days, I will surprise you with a really happy post, maybe a picture of a kitten or a cute little baby, but not today.
posted by Brent Hitman at 2:19 PM
6 Comments:
Hey Brent, I'm so sorry about the SSU deposit thing!! If it makes you feel any better, Jordan and I are ALWAYS doing things like that -- late with payments, registering, you name it. And every time, I get mad at myself, but I guess it's just part of our personalities that we got stuck with. Just be glad that you're not some majorly organized uptight person -- we probably wouldn't all have as much fun together if you were! I liked the Hogwarts comment. :) I DIDNT like the comment about you being a "waste of space" . . . trust me on this one, you're far from it. Do I need to call you emo-face again? :)
~A
I have to let you know, Brent, that I am in a similar position in regards to Sonoma state. They booted me from my classes because I have not paid for them yet. I'm hoping I get my aid in time to still have the class I need. It's difficult when things are so uncertain, but you'll get used to it. Everything on earth is uncertain.
As regards the fact that you feel like a worthless waste of space, or something to that effect, I have felt that way myself. But fortunately neither you nor I make up the final judge and jury of what is and is not of value in this life. What I mean to say is that life is deeper than it seems to be, but I'm sorry your feeling down.
~J
I vote kitten.
I understand your frustration. I am constantly confronted with the disfunctionality of life at every turn. Lately, I’ve been lumping the perceived perpetrators of my problems into two camps: those of Stepan Trofimovich and those of Pyotr Stepanovich. It seems that everyone I’m dealing with are either self-important dreamers that do absolutely nothing and bemoan how things should be, or else they are self-contented with their own lack of talent and work really hard to mess things up for everyone else. In reality, it’s probably less sinister then all that, and everyone is just doing whatever they want and are oblivious to what their actions mean to anyone else. In light of this, I should be surprised that anything works out at all.
Gifted artists, such as yourself, tend to be more susceptible to internalizing the problems of life instead of projecting them out onto others. After all, that which enables you to clearly see, feel, and express the deep issues and emotions of life is also that which allows you to dwell on these things. My only suggestion is that you take up the Ukulele. I’ve found that it is impossible to remain unhappy when I play this wonderful instrument. All my annoyance, anger, and pain seem to fly from me with every note – and are conveniently transferred to everyone else in earshot.
As far as kittens go: they are just smaller versions of indifferent, selfish, sadistically cruel, and vile creatures. The fact that they are fuzzy on the outside shouldn’t hide their true internal nature.
Kinsey excluded of course.
Lol, thanks for remembering to exclude Kinsey from that comment, Herringmeister. Although I must admit that "indifferent" and "selfish" are 2 adjectives which fit her very well at times . . .
~A
Post a Comment
<< Home