Watching Yourself Fade Away!
The more each day goes by, the more I wonder about my life and what purpose it serves. I have been listening to Copeland's new record "Eat, Sleep, Repeat", alot lately. I love it because it does describe so simply the meaningless of life in general. But lately, I have been seeing it in my spiritual life as well. How much does Christ really mean to me? I know it is good to have struggles and to wrestle with what you believe, I think I'm just tired of wrestling. I want to be confident and sure of my faith and I can't say I am right now. Ever since I injured my back, All my time has been devoted to myself: recovering, taking care of myself, dealing with the pain. I don't know why exactly, but I have been wondering if I have any faith at all. How do I find joy in something when there is nothing there? Counting Crows have a song where Adam says, "It's a sin to be fading endlessly, but she's alright with me". That's what I feel like right now. I feel like I'm slowly fading away from Christ, wanting and desiring the things he says to stay away from. I feel like I just don't know anything anymore and I can't see God moving. Tool has a song I like called "Sober" where the chorus says, "Why can't we not be sober, I just want to start this over, why can't we drink/(sleep) forever, I just want to start this over". I feel like that sometimes. I have asked God that myself. "God, why can't I have this escape?" "Why can't I live suspended in dreams"? I defintely feel just as lost, sometimes, as the next guy. But I don't want to give up. I know God exists and I know he wants me to be devoted to him. I just feel like I haven't felt his presence in a long time and I need it so badly. I know I have quoted too many songs already, but Counting Crows have another song where Adam says, "There has to be a change I'm sure, today was just a day fading into another, and that can't be what a life is for". I love this line, it speaks to me so much. That is what I see when I look out into the world. And I don't want my life to be the same. I want it to be different. I want it to make a difference. Please, God, don't let me fade away because, honestly, I don't feel you right now.
posted by Brent Hitman at 9:41 AM
2 Comments:
It is true that our life here on earth is like a vapor, up in smoke, according to the book of James in the Bible. I find it strange that the most eternal and lasting thing about us, the soul/spirit, is the one we concider the least concrete.
C.S. Lewis said that pain was God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world. Although I don't believe all pain is sent to get our attention, I do find that when pain has slowed me down, and I turn my thoughts toward God, I generaly find Him waiting. I find C.S. Lewis' books very deep and introspective, as well as witty and a sense of humor. My favorites are the Chronicles of Narnia, and Mere Christianity. Don't want to bore you. Hope the back is healing. I know healing still happens. I lost my wife last year and the community of our church has really helped Christ's healing touch my life. I hope you have a similar church community around you.
Thank you, Deacontim. I do have a loving church community around me, I guess that is what keeps me sane, that and music. Anyway, I'll check out some of those books. Thanks for the comment.
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