Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas, everybody. I hope that you've had a blessed holiday this season and have enjoyed your time spent with loved ones. I am still writhing from my dinner last night. My family went to the Seafood Brasserie next to the Hyatt for Christmas Eve dinner. I love seafood and usually have no problems with it, but I think it was just too rich for me this time. I had a cup of lobster bisque and then had seared scallops as my meal. Both were delicious but also heavy, especially the lobster bisque. It was one of those times where you feel like your going to puke at any moment, but nothing ever happens. I took some Tums and it helped but it still was quite uncomfortable. Later that night, my brother invited us to his church, Calvary Chapel, in Petaluma for their Christmas Eve service, which starts at 11pm and goes till midnight. It was a candlelight service and it was really beautiful. Usually, I'm pretty cynical about services in general, and it didn't help that I wasn't feeling too great either. But, oddly enough, this service actually made me feel better. It was centered around the music, which was exciting for me. They had it all lit up with candles surrounding a guitar player, three singers, bass player, and congos. It kind of reminded me of the set-up when Nirvana played unplugged in New York. All the singers had really good voices and the music was really stripped down and emotional. I think the pastor spoke for about 10 minutes and the rest was just music. At midnight, they had us all light our own candles and we sang Silent Night. It was a really neat service. Simple and yet powerful. Not somebody preaching at you for an hour about how Christmas isn't about Santa or presents and then asking for an altar call. Just singing and praising our Lord for giving us hope to actually celebrate life and anything we have. It really lifted me up and I think I needed it. Not only because I felt like crap, but also because for some reason, I've been feeling scared again. It's weird but sometimes I feel numb and dry to everything around me. I know some of you are thinking, "Wait, he just did a blog where he was all excited and optimistic about this past year and what God is doing in his life"? I am, don't get me wrong. It's just sometimes I get lost in myself and my struggles and I can't find my way back home. Anytime I notice that, I get scared and start to worry like maybe God has grown tired of me. Which by the way is a movie that was highly recommended to me that I just recieved from Netflix. But every time I feel this way, there is always something or someone to encourage me and help me pull through. I just started reading a book I got for Christmas called, "The Sacred Romance". It's all about the heart and how vital it is to our relationships with people and most importantly, God. So much of life is surface level and we have done everything we can to suppress those feelings of longing, of passion and desire for greater purpose and meaning. Art is something that expresses the heart and yet it is the first to be cut in our schools when they run into financial trouble. It has been so encouraging for me to read because that is exactly where I am at. I feel like we have nothing if we cannot embrace and express the deepest longings of our heart. People say I'm insane or just lazy, but to ignore the heart is suicide. I hope listening to me blabber on about my emotional roller-coaster of a life has encouraged or blessed you whenever you read this. I guess my point in all this is that Christmas has value only because Jesus gave his life for us, not out of duty or just to follow through with some empty, pre-destined plan, but because He was filled with a passion, a desire, a love that only comes from the heart, to save us from our ourselves. And it is these things: love, desire, passion, and a longing for these that we find within our hearts, that gives me hope and a reason to celebrate this Christmas season. Have a Happy Holidays.