New Chapter

So I have risen from the grave to write again. I am sitting in a coffee shop, wishing I could come up with some groundbreaking, existential topic that would be so fitting for such a venue. But, alas, my mind is barely functioning enough to remember my damn password to get into this blog. I am on the hunt for condos. There have been nothing but strike outs so far, but it is a miracle I can even search for something in the first place, so how could I not be patient? I can't wait to get my own place, though. I am a little worried though that my expectations will once again surely let me down. I sometimes can look at these type of situations in a "Holy" light, thinking that once this happens, life will start to make sense, the stars will align, and I will begin my journey towards perpetual bliss with my new found freedom. I know it will be awesome and I can't wait to experience it, but I also know in the back of my mind that my often depressive state of mind will not go away. In fact, it may stand to increase with the inevitable loneliness that awaits on the horizon. You might say I'm just being a winy bitch who is always looking for reasons to sulk and moan and eventually write another song about how everything is meaningless except for love, which there always seems to be a shortage of. But I'm simply pointing out my weaknesses. I don't know why I hold each new high as some kind of euphoria that will bring my universe into balance. It never does and although nice and sometimes momentarily fulfilling, I dread the inevitable pain of a monotonous life that never flows but drags like a master who drags his slaves by chain to the fields. I was talking to my friend, Jordan, last night and we were discussing the concept of being a slave to our own devices, under it's control, without power to suppress it. I was reluctant at first to agree with this perspective, but the more I think about it, the more I realize its true. Maybe because I've seen it play out in my own life time and time again. No matter how the circumstances change, even if for the better, my discontent is waiting just around the corner to capsize me and there is nothing I can do about it. Life is a double-edged sword. It is both bitter and sweet. It is a blessing and a curse. To me, if hell exists, the only thing separating it from this life is eternity. At least here, we know it will end and we can have hope that just maybe, there is something bigger waiting for us that will not flicker and die, but gives us joy that lasts and transcends our endless numbered days. I hope this finds you well. At least for a little while.