New Chapter

So I have risen from the grave to write again. I am sitting in a coffee shop, wishing I could come up with some groundbreaking, existential topic that would be so fitting for such a venue. But, alas, my mind is barely functioning enough to remember my damn password to get into this blog. I am on the hunt for condos. There have been nothing but strike outs so far, but it is a miracle I can even search for something in the first place, so how could I not be patient? I can't wait to get my own place, though. I am a little worried though that my expectations will once again surely let me down. I sometimes can look at these type of situations in a "Holy" light, thinking that once this happens, life will start to make sense, the stars will align, and I will begin my journey towards perpetual bliss with my new found freedom. I know it will be awesome and I can't wait to experience it, but I also know in the back of my mind that my often depressive state of mind will not go away. In fact, it may stand to increase with the inevitable loneliness that awaits on the horizon. You might say I'm just being a winy bitch who is always looking for reasons to sulk and moan and eventually write another song about how everything is meaningless except for love, which there always seems to be a shortage of. But I'm simply pointing out my weaknesses. I don't know why I hold each new high as some kind of euphoria that will bring my universe into balance. It never does and although nice and sometimes momentarily fulfilling, I dread the inevitable pain of a monotonous life that never flows but drags like a master who drags his slaves by chain to the fields. I was talking to my friend, Jordan, last night and we were discussing the concept of being a slave to our own devices, under it's control, without power to suppress it. I was reluctant at first to agree with this perspective, but the more I think about it, the more I realize its true. Maybe because I've seen it play out in my own life time and time again. No matter how the circumstances change, even if for the better, my discontent is waiting just around the corner to capsize me and there is nothing I can do about it. Life is a double-edged sword. It is both bitter and sweet. It is a blessing and a curse. To me, if hell exists, the only thing separating it from this life is eternity. At least here, we know it will end and we can have hope that just maybe, there is something bigger waiting for us that will not flicker and die, but gives us joy that lasts and transcends our endless numbered days. I hope this finds you well. At least for a little while.

What is the goal?

I'm sure we have all seen the bumper sticker "COEXIST". For some it has been a positive message of peace and harmony. For others, it has been one of controversy, stirring up feelings of superiority and defiance. I used to like the sticker, myself. I believed it's message of tolerance and unity was one worth striving for. But then I started thinking about it more deeply. I remember watching some Zombie movies and what I found attracted me to the genre was this glaring commentary on the world and how we as humans often simply exist next to one another on a surface level but are really crying out for something real, something we can feel,

to feel alive. This brought me back to this popular bumper sticker. What is the goal? What is the message? I know on a surface level I would aggree that it is probably not a good thing to kill someone else because of their beliefs. I also aggree that tolerance and open-mindedness are good and positive qualities. But is that the underlying goal? I had a discussion with a friend of mine the other night on this very topic. It was good because we both disaggreed, but it allowed easch of us to see points that we hadn't considered before. But I had to return to my main point. What is the goal? For me, it has to be love. Love is what changes and shapes our lives. It is what brings us freedom and belonging. Love is the cornerstone to all of the fore-mentioned qualities above and is also the essence of humanity. So consider love and co-existence. After much contemplation, I came across the idea that love requires co-existence, but co-existence does not require love. In other words, co-existence is a natural product of true love. When one loves, they desire to not only co-exist with others, but invest in their lives. However, like the example of zombies, One can co-exist with another without any thought of care or love for that other person. I realize that I may be over-analyzing this thing, but I think it is important to ask what is the real goal? Is it peace , Is it harmony? because these things are also products of love but are certainly not of co-existence. Zombies have no problem tolerating one another, co-existing with each other, but I think we would all aggree that this type of life is far from peaceful or harmonious. Perhaps why we like this message so much it due to it's laziness. It's easy. To simply co-exist takes no effort whatsoever. But to love, to care, well , that's a bitch sometimes. But though it isn't a victory march, it is a cold and a broken Hallelujah!! So my hope is that we stop focusing on the by-products and begin dwelling on the foundation again. Let's dwell on the message of love and allow co-existence and tolerance to flow out of it, naturally. Please, let me know your thoughts. I look forward to reading all prudent comments that Don't include a link to the world of Asian porn. Take care.

Update...

So, I changed the settings on my blog to require word verification. I am hoping that this reduces the amount of Asian soft-core porn links that have been flooding my comment pages (How did they know I liked Asian porn?) Anyway, I finished my first solo recording project yesterday. It still needs to be mastered and mixed as well as Ally putting some back-up vocals on it, but the rest is done. They are all older songs, but it was fun to re-visit them and just get them recorded so they can haunt me forever. I can't wait to share them with everybody. Be warned the album is produced and may sound "Over-the top" in spots, so I want people to be completely honest with me when they hear it. If it sounds like shit, please tell me. It will help me in the future to know how to address that side of the creative process. Plus, I just value different opinions, so although, you may be my friends and therefore are completely biased, the more honest you are, the better. All that being said, I think I am happy with it. But I am pretty hard on myself too. The kids in my class at work are graduating on Monday. I'm quite excited. They have been such a joy to me this past year, and although I will see some of them next year, It will be hard to see some go. They are so awesome and I believe have changed my life more than I have changed theirs. Book club is going strong. We will be celebrating two years of dedicated "book-clubbing" this summer and it has been alot of fun. We have read some amazing books that have brought on some really inciteful discussions. The best part is I know we will have many more to come. Modern Warfare 2 is an insanely awesome game. I consider myself to be a lover of peace and in some ways border-line hippy status, but when I play that game, something changes within me. A deep- rooted carnal desire to kill anything that moves pulsates through my veins. The game has made me rethink who I am. I don't even know this person. WHO AM I???? Aww yes, just some of the interesting or not-so interesting things going on in my life right now. I often wonder what awaits me in the coming years. I get scared sometimes. The pressures of life continue to mount. Society is unrelenting and there are not many places I can go to find peace. The places I would like to call home have become the places I have come to fear the most (Dashboard reference intended). I guess I just hope I can be a blessing to most of those I meet and know. If life has taught me anything, it has been that we are nothing without love. I know I crave it more than anything. And I also know that if you love something, what better gift than to give it away. So whatever love I have, I hope I can share it with everyone around me. Note: There may be traces of cynicism found in your gifts of love. The author is truly sorry about this unfortunate connection between the two, but has been unable (or un-willing) thus far to eliminate such traces. Take care everyone:)

Life and Death Part 2

So, My parents had to put our dog, Mandy, to sleep last night. I was recording and didn't find out till I got home and she was gone. Although, I wasn't as attached to her as I was our previous family dog, I loved her and she brought her own unique and special personality which truly did brighten up my life at certain times. Unfortunately, like most things in life, I don't think I really appreciated her enough till now, when she's gone. I will truly miss her. It got me thinking again about life and death. Perhaps we take life for grantid all too often, never fully realizing that it could be all over tomorrow. We get so lost in ourselves, our own ambitions, even our own pain to really see that our days are fading away. I don't want to live like that. If it's possible, I want to be different. It seems impossible though. Life is so full of pain and trouble and stress, it just gets tiresome. It seems like death is the only escape to finally feel peace. Steinbeck refers to it in East of Eden by saying that life is always the most stressful place to be, that's why they say Rest in Peace!! Is their a lasting peace to be found here on earth? Can one live a life of love completely void of selfish ambitions that frees them from the clutches of society's stress blanket? Perhaps these philisophocal questions cannot be answered. I don't know. But I do hope that life has meaning and purpose that can bring us relief from the pain, the stress. I don't want to live out of anticipation for death, but rather out of anticipation for life. Oh well. I don't think Mandy would care much about my musings. Rest in Peace, Mandy. You were a good dog and a loyal companion!!

Why I might be a post-modernist

Forgive me friends, but I can't help but still ponder the question of truth and it's definition. What can we know? Is anything absolute or universal, or is it strictly relative to each individual's experiences? These, quite possibly, are questions that cannot be fully answered. However, for the sake of writing something just to keep this dying sport of blogging alive, I must share my opinions. For the longest time, I can remember believing in absolute truth. Something that is universal, in which, all the world can clearly see as such. Perhaps it has alot to do with my up-bringing, perhaps other factors or conditions were involved as well, but I stood strong in the fact that there was truth that was unshakable, unmovable, and undeniable. Now, I'm not so sure. My life has taken different turns and as I have grown up, I've noticed how much each experience along the way effects my life and how I view it. I've started to reflect on my pass and discovered why I believed some of the things I believed, and why I believe what I do now. Is it all subject to change? Of course, which kind of leads me to my theory. That is, it would seem to me that life brings with it conditions and experiences, which, in turn, shape our very existence and provide us with the things that we can know, or call truth.

I explained in a blog earlier as to why I see truth as relative to our experiences, so I won't go too deeply into that, however, I will simply reiterate that each experience that effects our lives points us in a direction and causes us to believe or see something about the world that we may or may not have seen before. Each of us, as individual's, have different experiences and conditions that are personal, effecting us differently than they might someone else. Even sometimes people who have the same conditions and experiences as one another can be effected in completely different ways. Both discover their own truths that they can relate back to those experiences and conditions. Therefore, I tend to be skeptical about whether we can know if a truth is absolute. Now, I am not arguing against the existence of absolute truth. It very well may exist and, in fact, I would hope it does, inorder that we would not be left to what would eventually lead to utter chaos and confusion. I am simply arguing that we cannot know! If one believes that something is an absolute or universal truth, they believe that because of some life- changing experience that effected them, personally. Could not somebody else have an experience that drastically effects their life and causes them to believe something different? Is either belief more universal than the other? Certainly not. It would seem arrogant for one to assume that their truth, which they came by through a personal experience, is somehow universal, and that someone else should accept their truth, even if their experiences led them somewhere else.

I guess my point is I don't think we can know. We can believe with all of our hearts, but we can't really ever know. Okay, my brain hurts. I hope this made some sense and even if you vehemently disaggree, and are starting to plan the intervention as we speak, I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. I guess the interesting thing about labels and views are that they can change at any moment. We are continuously evolving in our thinking and I suppose that one day, my skepticism could turn into utter assurance. You never know:)

Life and Death 101

My grandfather passed away Thursday morning. My family knew it was coming. He had been really sick for the past couple weeks and towards the last stretch, had even given up eating, which if you could have ever met my grandfather, you would know that this alone meant he had given up his will to live. I feel sad from time to time thinking about him, but I'm glad he's not suffering anymore. And I think there is something easier in the mourning process when you expect it, almost want them to go, rather than the unexpected. The interesting thing is my friends, Jordan and Ally just had their baby boy, Soren, a couple of weeks ago. It truly is fascinating how with each life that ends, one begins. And it seems that the journey of one's life is always a means to an end, death. This is what we're led to believe anyway. In a sense, death is a part of the journey and should not be forgotten or dismissed. However, it seems all too often that the focus is put so soley on death, that we forget about living life. I know I've been a little cynical and frankly, angry at all things christian of late, so forgive me if I sound a little embittered. I used to hear, growing up, that those who didn't accept Christ into their lives, were going to hell. This was very puzzling to me, for many reasons, but what I often remember was the idea that people were lost, and life was a journey to find Christ before it was too late. People would be frantically praying, fasting, whatever they could for Joe Blow, who was on his death bed, so he could say those saving words of acceptance before his last breath. Or how someone would unexpectedly die early in their life and the first thing someone would ask was, "Was he or she a christian?" These things mostly just piss me off now, but for along time, I was held captive by these thoughts. This incredible fear that damnation was hinged on your faith, belief, or religion. Life really was a race against father time to accept Christ as the only truth, so as to escape the horrific fate of an eternity in hell. So I said those words of acceptance when I was 7, out of fear, after seeing a movie, where the message was exactly that. Unfortunately, I still see it today. I think that life is steering us towards death. The lessons learned, the joys, the sorrows, they're all there to ultimately get us to a place where we can face death without fear. But what we know is life and that is where the focus should be, the here and now. I can't just hammer religion because I think Society is the same way. In fact, religions' focus on the afterlife is a good metaphor for how Society looks at life. It seems no matter where I turn, people always want to know where your going, what's down the road, are you prepared for the future, what are your plans? No one seems to care about where or who you are right now. So I guess it's not a problem of religion, but rather of fear. People are bound to it and it controls every decision, belief, or reaction. I don't claim to have any answers, in fact, I find that I am crippled by fear too. I just wish it were different. I wish people could embrace life and live it fully, knowing that each step we take doesn't push us towards death, but instead leads us there. We are all the same. None of us know what lies beyond the grave and while we are alive, none of us ever will. Our focus should be on encouraging and loving one another where we are at, today. Not worried about it because you may not have a tomorrow. But helping and lifting one another up so if we happen to not see tomorrow, we left life feeling good about it. Just some meanderings from life and death 101. Don't worry, I'm not the teacher. I'm just a simple student like everybody else, still waiting for the teacher to arrive. I hope he shows up soon.

I feel pushed into this one...

Usually, this is where I makeup some pathetic excuse as to why I haven't blogged in so long. But not today. In fact, If the good Lord hadn't beckoned for another rambling, you all would still be waiting. What can I say, I feel uninspired. Nothing has really grabbed me, screaming, "wake up" like I would love it to. I just finished "The Wire", an HBO series on life in the streets of Baltimore. It was amazing. Hands down, the best television series I have ever seen. Every episode was like watching a movie, a good movie. I highly recommend it. It literally took up the better half of my life for the past couple months. I love being apart of a book club (Check out our blog page link, MBC). It has been alot of fun reading different stuff and talking about it. Honestly, it keeps me sane. Lonliness is an unrelenting bitch that shackles you to her cold bed posts while she has her way with you, and you scream for her to stop, for some relief, but it is usually hard to find. I did also see Wicked, finally. IT was awesome. The story is good, the music is great. If you haven't seen it, even if you don't like musicals, I recommend it. Good stuff!!! I don't know what to do with myself. I find myself constantly wrestling with my own thoughts, my opinons, my beliefs, my disbeliefs. Sometimes, I even lose sleep over it. I'm glad I can talk to my friends about things and it truly does help to hear their support and their thoughts. I guess I would just like a break every once in a while. I try to be a person that cares about others but it's hard when you feel like such a collosal fuck-up. I hope that I am more of a blessing than a burden to those I run across. And if I fail you, I truly am sorry. I remember thinking when I was a child that life would get easier when I got older. But the truth is, it is just life. It doesn't get easier or harder, it just is. It's a series of experiences and choices and you learn as you go and realize that it has always been difficult and yet here you are, somehow, miraculously. At least, that's how I see it. Maybe that's why I like the movie "Curious case of Benjamin Button" so much. Time is neutral. IT doesn't shift favor when it starts or passes by. Whether old to young or young to old, it is the experiences and choices that meet us along the way that shape us and effect us more deeply than anything else. IT is also interesting how I am writing a hell of alot more than I had expected to when I started. Kinda funny. Do me a favor. Go outside and smell the air. I love the smell of Fall. So crisp and clean. Reminds me of childhood. Also, visit a authentic Irish Pub and get yourself a pint of true, slow-poured Guinness out of the tap. It just might bring your life a little extra joy. I think that's good for now.