Killing the Watchman!!

For the longest time, I have wanted to write my own songs. Things that have been built up inside of me, but there has always been that part of me, "The analytical part", that always crushes anything I try to put down on paper. I was talking with Jordan about it a couple nights ago. I told him I had a great idea for a song, but that I couldn't stick with anything I wrote down. His advice was to "Kill the Watchman". I needed explanation, of course, as to what he meant. He told me that there is this antagonist or analytical critic man inside of us that wants to crush and destroy anything creative or original. We have to get to the point where we do our best to kill him. That way we can allow ourselves the freedom to be creative without caring about our so-called "inabilities". That advice was so crucial for me. It was amazing. I know I didn't kill him, he is still lingering around somewhere, but I wounded him badly. It was awesome. In that very same day, I wrote two songs. It has been an unbelievable experience to let myself go and not hold back because of fear. While our band is doing acoustic shows and searching for a drummer, I have decided to do a solo project with these songs, a kind of folky, Denison Witmer or Rocky Votolato thing. I am thanking God right now that he has finally given me enough courage to write what is on my heart without the harsh critic looming over my shoulders. I would encourage everyone who has any doubts or fears about doing something they love just because they think it won't be good enough to fight back against this "Watchman". He's tough to kill, but the more you battle him, the more freedom you will have to be you. It reminds me of this scene in "Little Miss Sunshine". For those who haven't seen the movie, I won't spoil it, but there is a scene where Dwayne and Frank are talking after experiencing the beauty pageant. In so many words, Dwayne says that it doesn't matter what people say you can do or what they think of you, you just do what you love and forget about the rest. I think I'm finally there. It's about pouring your heart out in the hopes that others might benefit, but if they don't, oh well!!! Keep the creative juices flowin y'all!!!! I hope everyone has a Happy New Year. Much love.

Music, More Music, And Meditation!!

Things have been pretty slow lately for Filling the Void. Kellen has moved out to the boondocks or "Mt. Gilead" as it is more properly called. We haven't practiced in a couple of weeks, and while Ben and I have been writing new material, I can't help but wonder where it is all going. I want to write lyrics myself, but every time I actually sit down to write, everything that comes out sucks. It is quite frustrating. We do have a show at Thanksgiving Lutheran Church on Jan. 6th, 2007. John might play piano for us which will be awesome. Maybe I just need to be more patient. It was fun playing with Almost There last Friday at Friday Night Jams. You guys are all awesome. Not only talented, but you are all very special to me and I value our friendship greatly. Honestly, I can't help but hope that the terrorists take out all California universities and anything having to do with astrophysics (The study of "Astropops"). MMMMMMM Tasty!! I know you gotta do what ya gotta do, but I would hate to see Almost There end. Oh Well!! Anyway, on another note, some people at Medtronics might be starting a musician club. That might be cool if it actually happens. There are some talented people there. We'll see what happens. I have been listening to Radiohead's The Bends and Tool's Lateralus lately. Both are awesome. Musically both have alot to gain from. Lyrically, I think Radiohead is beautiful. I think I have been too cynical lately. Nothing excites me except DA BEARS!!! Sometimes I feel ready to give up. I believe in Christ and all His Glory. I just don't know how far His grace will go? One thing Carl has been pounding home lately is the pursuit of Holiness and the desire to please God with everything we do. I know that it is God's grace that allows us to pursue Holiness before Him, I just don't know if I can keep going after failing so much. I try to guard my mind from evil, but that works for about a half a second till I realize my mind itself is evil. I can't focus on anything without being side-tracked into destruction. What's worse is Christmas is here, the time of year where you can't breathe because your so conjested by all the holiday cheer around you. I don't have any time to actually stop and even meditate on the things I'm writing about right now. Thanks to anyone who is still reading this and cares at all. I don't mean to always sound so depressing, I just want my life to matter. I want to see God working in my life. I want to feel motivated to press on in my faith regardless of the setbacks. I do see it in small areas such as friends and family, especially the younger children. They have a way of softening even the hardest of hearts. I guess I just want more. These bright spots are what truly keeps me going. So, as one of my favorite songs says, "It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last." Much Love to you all.

Something to think about!

Jordan and Ally let me borrow three movies a while ago. They are Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Luther, and About Schmidt. I have to thank the Johnson's for recommending these films to me. I enjoyed all of them in different ways. Luther was powerful and inspirational as all stories are dealing with renegades who changed the face of history for a greater cause. About Schmidt was probably my favorite and the most entertaining of the three. I love films that explore the dysfunction of humanity and how we as individuals overcome it. But Eternal Sunshine had the biggest impact on me. I think this is the case because the movie was so weird. The funny thing is it seems like they gave a simple movie with a simple point so much complexity, it made it frustrating to watch. However, after I finished it, I thought about it for awhile. I came to the conclusion that the film did exactly what it set out to do. It was complex, frustrating, and weird for a reason. The movie tries to portray to us two frustrated people who fall in and out of love and go through a process to block out the memory of each other. It's hard to explain, but the point at the end was beautiful. We often are looking for the perfect person who is so much like us. The relationship where nothing goes wrong. But, that is not reality. The reality is we aren't perfect and we aren't all the same. The best part about relationships, the part that makes them real, is the struggle to make it work. The fact that love is not about likeness or perfection, but about unselfishness and a desire to give yourself up for the other person. That was the point of this movie. That we don't have to give up on one another just because we frustrate each other. We can learn to accept one another as who they are and love them where their at. Real love is much stronger and bigger than our fucked-up personalities. The more I live, the more apparent it becomes to me that the only model of this love is Jesus Christ. Honestly, there is no one else. Michael from Dunder Miflin thinks Apollo Creed is better, but like most everything else, he is waaay off!! So, now the complexity and weirdness makes sense. It is only right to include the same ideals and emotions in making the film as you want to portray in the film. Although it was bizarre and tough to watch, we are bizarre and tough to watch! May we cling to Jesus, because His model is our only hope!

What are they doing now?

I was in a grocery store the other day when I saw a girl I went to high school with. We talked for awhile, you know, the usual, meaningless "how are you?" talk. The kind of talk where you are doing it because you don't want to ignore them, but your life would be perfectly fine without seeing them again. Anyway, it was funny because we started talking about people we went to school with. One particular person came up because this guy happens to be a musician now. She told me that she heard he had a manager and was trying to market his music down in Los Angeles. She also told me he had a myspace page, so I checked it out. He's not that bad. His vocals are decent and his guitar playing is okay too. But what was funny was it sounded a hell of alot like John Mayer's "Your body is a wonderland". I guess one of his songs is on a compilation CD at Target called "Acoustic sounds" or something like that. I don't want to bash the guy, but his pictures made him look more like one of the backstreet boys than John Mayer. He even re-did a Christmas song!! It was fun remembering the kid I knew in high school and where he is now. He used to be this goofy, jock-wannabe who is most remembered for striking out in the ninth inning to end Maria Carrillo's hope of winning the NCS Championship. He was a nice guy, I think. I always got along with him, but you never could tell if he was genuine or not. Of course, I wasn't the most genuine person in high school neither. I just wanted to share because I think it is great that he is pursuing a music career. I never knew he was into music at all. It is a little too poppy for me and the lyrics are a little stupid, (Example: Anytime you use the cliche, " Same old shit just a different day" in a song, it's a strike against you!), but if he is passionate about the music he creates, than more power to him. It definitely encourages me to value the lyrical aspect of music and how much it actually brings to the table. Otherwise, who knows? You may end up being the next Kevin Federline (K-FED), God-forbid!!! Later!